OK, I am a bit late to the party on this, but hear me out.  This DVD presently sits on my Television stand, 3 nights overdue.  Not because I couldn’t bear to part with it, not even because I’ve been too lazy to return it.  No it sits there because I was too afraid to watch it. 

Everyone I spoke to told me to “have the tissues handy”, or to “not expect a happy ending” and even that “It’s so damn depressing, you’ll be quite unsocial able for a while”.  So, with that in mind, I found it increasingly hard over the weekend to put that disc into the DVD player and press play.

Fittingly though, yesterday I had one of those migraines that permeate your skull and if you don’t reach for the Panadol in time, you get knocked onto your back quicker than Australia can change Prime Ministers.  That being the case, I decided I was in just the right frame of mind to take on Precious.

Precious has been adapted for the big screen from the novel “Push” by Sapphire.  It has been Produced and Directed by Lee Daniels (Monsters Ball (P) and Shadowboxer).  Basically, this low budget film with only a handful of well-known actors, blew the audiences away at both the 2009 Cannes Film Festival and the 2009 Sundance Film Festival.  Having the support and help of one Ms Oprah Winfrey certainly helped this film, originally named Push, to be recognised and succeed.

So what was behind this film bringing in over $62 million US dollars worldwide?  The only two well known actors in this movie are Mo’Nique and Mariah Carey.  And let’s face it; Mariah Carey and actor are two words you rarely hear uttered in the same sentence without a snigger.  I think the secret to its success, straight up, was that it was just a great story with powerful acting. Full stop.  No fireworks, no explosions and no multi-million dollar paycheques for big name actors.  That and the fact you physically want to put your hand through the screen and slap Mary, Precious' mother played by Mo'Nique.

The movie revolves around 16 year old Claireece "Precious" Jones, played by newcomer Gabourey Sidibe.  Gabourey admits herself that she nearly didn’t audition for the role of Claireece, and only due to the fact that a pesky movie was being filmed on the side of the road that would normally take her to college for the day, did she see it as a sign, and in turn, make the trek uptown to try out for the part.

Precious is an obese, illiterate, African-American 16 year old girl who lives with her mother in Harlem.  They are painfully poor and the sadness of the situation envelopes you the minute she steps back into her home after a day at school.

A series of events lead to Precious being expelled from school.  She’s not a bad kid; she’s just a victim of circumstance.  Her school principal organises an alternative school for her – Each One-Teach One. 

It is here, at this school, under the love and guidance of a very special teacher Blu Rain (Paula Patton) and a motley crew of classmates, that Precious starts to understand how wrong her life has been.  She realises how unfairly she has been treated and how the abuse she has been suffering through, is anything but OK. 

Remember Mariah?  I mentioned her earlier.  Now, straight up, I wasn’t even aware she was in this movie, so when I noticed a social worker named Miss Weiss; there was something familiar about her.  I wondered to myself if it was Mariah Carey, but then internally argued that this woman looked like such complete shit, it just couldn’t be her.   But it was.  Just sans makeup.  Director Lee Daniels made it abundantly clear to Mariah that she wasn’t to wear a skerrick of makeup.  In fact, to add insult to injury, extra dark circles were pencilled in under her eyes.   And can I say, she was amazing.  It’s like Glitter never happened.  OK, that’s taking it too far, but in all fairness, Mariah shone more in this movie than in all of her very shiny film clips combined.  Miss Weiss, as her social worker/welfare officer, also plays a big role in helping Precious find her way out of the mire.

The thing with Precious is that the minute you lay eyes on her, you start to make assumptions.  She is incredibly large, not attractive, very sulky and intermittently violent.  But I liken it to when you meet someone in real life.  Sometimes you wish you had stopped at just being acquaintances and others you stop forgetting who they are or what they look like and begin to love and admire them for what is on the inside.  That’s how I felt about Precious.  It’s sounds naff, but the more I learned about her life, got to know her personality and found out how brave she was, the more I liked her and found her incredibly beautiful.

The end of movie for Precious certainly doesn’t bring her or you, the viewer, closure.  She does however, at least remove herself from a situation so sad and so incredibly unbelievable, you will feel somehow better and at peace knowing her life is nowhere near as cruel as it was at the beginning of the film.

This film and its actors were nominated for almost every major award in 2009-2010 and rightly so.  I think everyone should see this movie.  However, choose your timing carefully and turn up the volume because at times it was hard to hear and decipher. 

Precious – out for hire and sale on DVD and Blu-Ray.

Remember when the only way to watch a television series, was to wait until it returned to the same time slot each time, each week.  I vividly remember planting myself in front of the TV every Sunday night for A Country Practice, sweating on Molly getting better and crying selfconsciously when, watching her daughter Chloe play in the distance, she passed away.

I also remember that if I watched a movie at the theatre, that it would be a good year or more before we would be able to see it again.  Waiting to see ET again felt like an eternity.  Especially since we didn’t even own a Video player in 1983. 

But now, well now, it’s virtually on tap.  For instance, I have just finished watching the entire 3 seasons of Keeping Up with the Kardashians.  In about a week and a half.  No ads. No waiting, just instant gratification.

And there you have the two words that have changed the way a lot of people watch Television and most kinds of media these days.

Instant Gratification.

No longer do we have to wait for a show to be picked up by the networks in Australia and for ratings season to roll around.  If we want, we just download it. Well, hey, I don’t, *cough* but I’ve heard that’s what lots of people do. 

For instance, Season Two of United States of Tara landed in my lap the other day.  It hasn’t even started here in Australia, yet I’ll have it watched, analysed and finished before ABC 1 even have the first  teaser advertisement on our screens.

I can go down to my local car boot sale and get the latest in movies, most just released at the cinemas, for ten dollars.

Although I have to say, Australian made TV is still elusive.  We can’t, for instance, watch the new Packed to the Rafters until it comes to our screens on the 29th of this month.  No one will be able to leak any spoilers because, unless they somehow get a copy from Channel 7, it is all very secret and contained.

So is free to air TV becoming redundant? Will it one day go down the road of radio soap operas?

Doubtful.  For one, a lot of viewers have no desire and/or ability to garner this technology that allows access to these programs.  And another, a lot simply enjoy waiting, sitting down and watching their favourite show, on a particular night at a particular time.  For some, this is the only time the family sit together.

I know my own children will get terribly excited if say, Toy Story is being shown on Television and beg to watch it even though they own the movie on both video and DVD and therefore, could watch anytime they like. 

So, for the moment, I would say, there will always be those who can’t wait, who have to watch it all now, but the majority will be happy to wait and watch. 

But a word of warning TV networks, don’t dick around with the consistency in which you show your programs.  Nothing makes a viewer lose interest in a program more than when you guys take it off air for two weeks in a row.  We do still watch over the holidays. If anything, even more so.

How do you watch?

Unless you are a diehard Sex and The City fan who would be happy to watch Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda and Samantha prune grass in their Manolo Blahniks, then you might want to rethink committing two and half precious hours to this movie.

Now straight up I will admit to you I did not watch the Television series of Sex and the City all that often.  Not because I didn’t like it, it was just one of those shows that alluded me.  But after watching the first movie, I have no doubt I would enjoy it.    Thank god I didn’t use the second movie to dip my toe into the SATC pool though or else I would have wondered why so many women worship these apparently, feisty and independent women.

Obviously the big sell of these movies is the girlpower aspect.  I heard it described as the State of Origin for women.   A night that is put aside for women to get looser and wilder than they normally would all in the name of sisterhood.  This is often accompanied by champagne.  And hey, I’m the first to put my hand up for pure escapism in a movie theatre, so I had a very open mind going into this movie.

The first word that comes to mind about this movie is Unnecessary.  

Well, clearly it wasn’t  to the studio execs or the big name actors who got to reprise their roles as Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, Miranda and Big.   Even Aiden comes back for this one, albeit in a creepy, cheating kind of way.

But it certainly wasn’t necessary to open their lives back up, 2 years post the Carrie/Big wedding and spend the majority of the movie in Abu Dhabi.   Well, really what you are seeing is Morocco, because the good people of Abu Dhabi, after reading the script, refused to have them film the movie on their soil.  And from what I can tell, for good reason.

Predictably enough, the movie opens with a big gay wedding, where of course, Liza Minnelli is both the celebrant and the entertainment.   As you do.  I guess you haven’t truly lived until you’ve witnessed Liza performing “All the Single Ladies”.
 
From there, it takes us through a few scenes where Carrie has turned from uber cool, ultra confident, writer and columnist to needy, whiny, unsure of her relationship, wife of Big.  She is having a crisis.  Her marriage, it appears, is getting stale. It is full of, shock horror, dinners at home and watching television in bed.  There is talk of time being spent apart for two days of each week so they can do their own thing. 

Meanwhile, Samantha is struggling with looming menopause and a dire lack of libido and is ingesting 42 yam based vitamins a day whilst shoving creams up her vajay-jay to head it off.  

Charlotte, brings perhaps one of the best scenarios to the movie.   It involves her gorgeous, perky Irish Nanny and her particular aversion to wearing a bra.  A scene where she’s helping the husband bath the kids which kind of turns into a wet T-Shirt competition  kind of gives you the general gist.  All of which, naive Charlotte doesn’t even notice until references start getting bandied about by Samantha  and co about “Judes law”,   AKA nanny affairs.  Charlotte also isn’t coping with being a mother (even with a full time nanny) and is in serious meltdown mode.  The most disturbing about her situation?  The little girl actor playing her two year old, throughout the whole movie, is constantly crying.  And the tears are real and have gotten to the stage where she is gulping back air even when visible tears calm down. Clearly this child was distressed whilst filming?  Unnecessary.

Miranda.  Well I wouldn’t even call her that.  It was Cynthia Nixon parading as some Twilight Zone version of Miranda.  In the past, Miranda has been famous for her negative cynicism, her pithy wit and in ability to have fun.  Not in this movie.  She becomes giggly and for want of a better word, woo-hoo’y.  She woo hoo’s a lot.  Often for reasons I cannot seem to gather.

So, when Samantha gets an offer for an all expenses paid trip, for all four women to Abu Dhabi, they  jump at the chance.  This is where it gets more like a Lonely Planet Documentary with Miranda droning on about each tradition and translating words to the other women.  Miraculously, they don’t tell her to shut the hell up. Perhaps because they were too busy looking  faux surprised about their opulent digs.

There are some funny moments, don’t get me wrong.  Not many, but some. The sixty year old couple next to me laughed at everything I cringed at and guffaw at every bad pun I mentally rolled my eyes at.

The frightful rendition of "I am Woman" by the four woman karaoke style, only made me think of  the incontinence Pads  they used the song to advertise a few years ago.  And this is about where the whole movie goes completely south, bordering on racism.  There is disdain and lack of regard to the Muslim way of life and/or dress.    Hey ladies, you are in THEIR country.  Respect their traditions.   Did they not read the script before signing up?

A number of scenes ensue with the women touring the local markets, kissing old boyfriends, having too many cocktails, riding and getting camel toes and of course, the arrest of Samantha that basically gets them kicked to the curb and hurtling back to New York City.

And again, die hard fans will be satisfied with the copious amount of outfit changes, Samantha’s ability to screw random men whenever and wherever she chooses, and of course, the seemingly happy, if not convenient ending.  For the rest of us, put simply, there is too much time spent in Abu Dhabi, not enough time in New York City and a completely lame script.

Perhaps a more apt movie in these financial times would have seen the girls doing it hard and having to come up with innovative ways to dress themselves.    Instead they showed a world where two apartments in New York City was a reality, and seemingly no downturn in their living situations.    

This remark by Critic Miguel Gonzalez summed it up for me:  “There's only one thing worse than faking an orgasm: faking laughter. Shame on you, Sex and the City 2, for being a 2.5-hour laughless fake-a-thon that never finds the right spot”


Sex and the City 2 – Out everywhere Now.

I grew up in the eighties.  And to me, everything, especially the TV shows were awesome.

So the news of Gary Coleman passing away took me by surprise.  I mean, he was kind of allegedly involved in some untoward behaviour, but to me, he'll always be little Arnold Jackson, cracking the same joke day in day out, and still getting a laugh out of his Diff'rent Strokes audience.

Gary Coleman of course, like so many child stars of the eighties, kind of got stuck there.  He never really shed his persona of Arnold Jackson, adopted son of Phillip Drummond, the mega rich white man. His on screen brother and adopted sister went through their own fresh hells, with various stints of prostitution and drug offences. 

But all that meant little to me as a fresh faced ten year old watching this every afternoon after school.  This show aired for 8 years.  Eight years.   Show me something that has that kind of run these days.  Simpsons?  Home and Away?  Sure.  But can you set your generation by them?  I don't believe so.

See today, it seems one minute we are introduced to a new show, i.e. Cougar Town, What about Brian and the next thing, it is ripped off our screens due to lack of ratings.  What about the good old days when a show got a good say 5 years to hit its straps before being taken off air some 3 years later?  Poor kids of today don’t know if they're Arthur or Martha.

Some of the shows I fondly remember:
Benson:  Remember this? God How I loved this.  I'm sure it was on about 4pm every weekday arvo, just after I finished my homework and was ready to sit down and vedge.  Benson ( Robert Guillaume) was the Governors African American Butler.  This was neither here nor there, but the fact that he was hilarious and basically held the family together, was.  This show lasted for 7 years.

The Wonder Years:  This show was set in the sixties. But the plot was multi-generational.  
A story of Kevin, Paul and Winnie, best friends, ready to start Junior High together.  Kevin and Winnie, no matter how much the viewing public wanted them to, could just not quite ever get it completely together.  That was half the fun. That and the fact that everyone reckons that Paul is really Marilyn Manson today.

It’s a Knockout: Hosted by Billy J Smith and Fiona McDonald, this was a state vs state physical challenge.  And geez did the Australian Public embrace it. 

Family Ties – this is where the world was introduced to Michael J Fox and his on-screen family.   It was essentially a show about a family with different ideals, but again we embraced it and this had a great run for seven years.

Knight Rider. Remember when David Hasselhoff was known for how awesome he was and not because he was constantly blind and eating dirty hamburgers off the ground in his undies?  No?  You clearly didn’t live through the great times of Knight Rider.  This was about the Hoff, working as basically a good "Knight" who had a car that had artificial intelligence.  You know, a car that could read minds and save cities and stuff.

Moonlighting.  More than likely it was highly inappropriate that I was watching this as a kid growing up, but I fell in love with Bruce Willis and Cybil Shepherd.  Ahh, chemistry that should be bottled.

Kingswood Country – Who would have thought a show, essentially about bigotry would last not only four years, but become one of Australias highest rating shows?  What a silly question.  We all sat down to this show, whilst my Dad laughed his head off at Ted Bullpit and his jokes about "bloody wogs" that apparently, never got old to him.

So above are just a taste.  Popular of course were:
The Brady Bunch
Get Smart
Simon Townsends' Wonder World
Three's Company
The Smurfs
That's Incredible.
21 Jump Street
Who's the Boss?
MacGyver
Boris's Breakfast Club
Alf
Webster
Growing Pains

The list goes on.  The difference now, seems that shows don't get a chance to find their groove.  If they don't rate highly within two weeks, they are yanked off stage quicker than a stint in rehab for Matthew Newton.

C'mon on TV stations, get a bit of Punky Brewster into you and go back in time.  You might be surprised.

Tuesday nights, for half an hour at least, just got a whole lot better.  That's because a show I can watch with my husband and my children, rocked our socks and made us all giggle with gags for both of our generations.

It had both slapstick moments and jokes aimed at (and only gotten by) adults yet enough action for the younger ones to get hooked instantly.  Filmed in a mockumentary style, this show, called Modern Family is exactly that, a view into the lives of the very modern family. Well three variations anyway. 

There is the "standard" family I suppose you would say.  Phil and Claire and their three children, Hayley, Alex and Luke.   Typical family unit, with a straight, yet desperate to be cool, dad.  A soccer "mom" and three children in different stages of being, well, kids.  The kind of dad who thinks WTF means "Why the face?"  Instead of, well what it really means.  Google it people if you are still perplexed.

The second family is Jay, Gloria and Gloria's son, Manny.  Another modern day family.  See Jay (Ed O’Neill) is somewhat older than his gorgeous wife, Gloria.  Old enough infact, to be Manny's grandfather.

The third family are Mitchell and Cameron, a gay couple who have just adopted their daughter, Lilly from Vietnam.

So there you have the three families.  And without watching the pilot episode, you wouldn’t realise that they are all related.  Jay is father to Claire and Mitchell (Soccer mum and one half of gay couple).  Let’s just say Ed O’Neill (who plays Jay) hasn’t had to reach too far from his character in Married with Children.  He’s basically an intolerant homophobe who likes the women.  But for some reason, he’s still endearing.  Even in his nylon tracksuit.

I could sit here and spout a whole bunch of lines or situations from the first episode but I reckon it would fly over the top of your head if you haven't seen it.  For those who did see it, I would say my favourite part was the equal punishment doled out by Phil to his son.  See, Phil's son Luke, shot his sister Alex with a BB Gun.  As is in their family charter, equal punishment must be doled out for errant behaviour.  So Phil pencils Luke in for the returning of the BB Gun shooting that afternoon.  A series of events take place that see the son, the father and the new teenage boyfriend taken out with said BB Gun.  See, you had to be there.

So please, if you like good innuendo, great visual slapstick and just a few "aha" moments where you realise exactly that situation is happening in your own household, I recommend Modern Family.  If nothing more than to see a rendition of a High School Musical Number from a tryhard in his mid 40s.

Modern Family, Channel Ten, Tuesdays at 8pm.

So I’ve been sitting through most of Saturday flipping channels desperately trying to get the best and first view of Jessica Watson sailing her final leg through the heads in Sydney Harbour and returning from her round the world solo sailing trip.

Turns out, as her sponsor, channel One (Tens digital channel) had the best coverage, although technically, it was a little flaky with dropouts.  Digital + live coverage = a few headaches.

And this is the day that so many people have been waiting for.  I’m guessing first and foremost, Jessica herself.  But also her parents, her siblings, her extended family, her support team, the media and every other person who has watched her from afar.

To be honest, I was one of the ones who was flabbergasted when it came to light her parents would allow and encourage her to do something this massive and quite frankly, dangerous.   More so, I think because I have a daughter and I know a few sixteen year old girls, and I’d be flat out allowing them to go to the movies alone, let alone circumnavigate the globe.  I wasn’t alone in this opinion.  The naysayers were out in force.  The parents groups, the politicians, the talkback radio jocks.  All had something to say and very little was positive.

It probably didn’t help her cause when she ran directly into a tanker on her way down from the Sunshine Coast to her launching port in Sydney.  In fact, she only made it as far as the Gold Coast waters, where rather than be embarrassed, she simply went into lockdown, spent every possible moment fixing her stricken vessel and got back on her way to achieving her "dream".

Followers of Jessicas Blog would know the planning and processing of this World record attempt have been in the works for years.  She didn’t simply wake up one morning and think, "Hmmm instead of painting my nails and drooling over Twilight characters, I might just try my hand at sailing solo around the world".  In fact, her parents revealed she had dreamed of doing this for many years but had to work up the courage to approach them and ask for firstly their blessing and secondly, their undivided attention.   Whilst they weren’t immediately on board, they clearly understood their daughters' passion. 


So, after her false start, Jess got going and after some 210 days at sea, she returned home.  Safe, looking well and having not lost her mind.  Brave, brave girl.

And of course this was big news.  All three major, free to air channels had full, live coverage of the event, with One, her major sponsor, getting first crack at filming and interviewing her.    Unfortunately, Jess was a little late.  2.5 hours late to be exact.  That meant Karl and Lisa (Ch 9) had to pad out the minutes with inane conversation and Bill Woods (One/Ten) talking in detail of her eating and toilet habits.  Such was the delay; Channel 10 had to leave the live coverage to relay the AFL game of the day, leaving Channel One to continue on.   And that my friends, is the new found joy of having two channels for each station.

The thing is, moments like this just have to be seen live. They are pure "had to be there" moments.  Like seeing Bindi Irwin make her daddy speech at her fathers funeral or being awake to see the Twin Towers get hit.  These moments are the ones you can always remember exactly where you were at that precise time.

And you would have had to have been a very hard hearted person to not cry when Jess was finally reunited with her parents on the dock today.   Hugh Rimmington (Ch 10/One) lost it and got all choked up when she officially crossed the line.  I like that kind of real emotion in presenters.  Oh, but Channel One, a heads up, that Gabriella Chilmi, Women on a Mission song? Not really appropriate for heartfelt homecoming and reunion.  Something a little less racy next time yeah?

What I realised after watching Jess today, was just how incredibly mature she is.  I mean, apart from talking to people on a satellite phone, she has been alone and not seen an actual human being in 7 months. When I was 16 I couldn’t stand my own company for a day, let alone 210 of them.  Don’t get me wrong, she still got ultra excited and giggly when she got a goodie bag with Tim Tams and whipped cream in it, showing that at heart, she truly is, still only 16.  Yet, after listening to both The Prime Minister, Kevin Rudd and NSW Premier, Kristina Keneally make speeches, she basically made me forget whatever the hell they had just spouted, because she was succinct, humble and honest.  This quote especially makes me admire her "You don’t have to be anyone special to achieve something big. You just have to want it."

Sure, it was a staggering 5 hours of live television today that really only had enough content for one, and I know we'll be seeing her over and over and over again in the coming weeks, starting with 60 minutes on Sunday night,  but I also know what I’ll be talking about around the water cooler on Monday.  And for once, it won’t be about disgraced footballers.  Well done Jessica.

Massive Hoo-ha in the states at the moment about this Miley Cyrus's new song – “Can’t be tamed” and it's matching sexy music video.  A lot of people in the US are not happy.  There are a lot of comments along the lines “She’s a role model”  “She’s not Britney Spears, stop trying to tramp yourself up”. In fact, here are a few:

“All I can say is that this is a tasteless video! Leaves nothing to imagination! Definitely not something that young girls need to view.”

“Is this any way for a recent "American Idol" mentor to behave?”

"miley your no britney spears, learn it!! ur a role model for little girls not little tramps...sick!!!!

I personally, am more affronted this commenter doesn’t know their “There, their and they’re”, and basic grammar, but that’s just me.

OK, so here's Miley Cyrus' controversial new video, Can't Be Tamed.

Now I’ve watched the above, and guess what, as a mother of an impressionable 10 year old girl, I’m cool with it.  I mean, let’s face it, Miley Cyrus is 17. Not long until she is 18.  And guess what, I hate to burst your bubble, but lots of 17 year olds are TOTALLY HAVING SEX.  Or at least wishing they were.

And roll back 8 years ago and Christina Aguilera’s video clip for Dirrty.  Now, the following clip comes with a “Not Safe for work” warning. Nor is it recommended for anyone under, oh, the legal sexual consent age.


So, here’s the thing, two girls, both came through the ranks as good, wholesome young ladies.  Both are/were role models.   Miley of course, plays the blonde wigged, squeaky clean, double life leading, Hannah Montana in the smash hit TV show and blockbuster movie of the same name.  Christina, started out as a golden haired, Mickey Mouse Club member, exactly the same way as her compadre and good girl gone postal, Britney Spears.   Granted, smaller children and tweens (girls stuck between kid and teen) look up to these actresses/singers. 

But at what stage do we let them grow up.  I mean, look at our own home grown “talent” Nikki Webster.  One minute she’s a cute 12 year old singing Strawberry Kisses, next she’s getting her norks out for Zoo magazine and dismaying all the Nannas of Australia.  There is obviously a line they cross.

For mine, Miley has crossed hers. She has breasts. She has an amazing body. And for all you naive ones out there, she has sex.    She’s allowed.  So, I’m guessing, she is therefore, attaching a sexy music video to her new song, because, she wants us all to know, in no uncertain terms, she is growing up.

I control what my kids watch and to be honest, there are a hell of lot more provocative video clips on Video Hits on any given weekend than this.    I remember the very first record I purchased with my own money, with my very straight mother supervising was Madonnas “Like a Virgin”.  I played it on high rotation, with absolutely no clue as to what a virgin was.  To be frank, I just liked the song.

Look, sexualising our children is definitely a major problem.  I am not downplaying that.   Is Miley the devil incarnate because of this particular music video?  My opinion. No.  Time will tell if she pulls an off her chops, head shaving Britney Spears.   All we can do, is sit and watch.

It’s kind of an Australian National past time to bag on the Logies.  The Logies, being the annual awards ceremony celebrating and rewarding Australian televisions best and brightest. 

But geez, it is often 5 hours of your life you will just never get back.  And even though there were moments of brilliance like KD Lang singing Hallelujah (albeit shoeless), or Shaun Micallef using the Oscar acceptance speech of Sir Laurence Olivier as his own, there were far more awkward and embarrassing moments than wondrous. 

The Logies actually remind me of being little and settling down for a big night in with my Mum who absolutely adored this event.  These were the days of  Don Lane and Bert Newton.  Of Molly and Brendan and Bobby and Frank.  These were different days. These were the days, and I guess I may be romanticising, that on the spot talent was limitless.  Nowadays it feels like we have so little live, fly by the seat of your pants, talent.  Gretel Killeen anyone?

Plus, let’s be honest, we are all really tuning in, just hoping for another Karl Stefanovic/late to bed/early to rise/plastered moment on the Today show.  I’m guessing Channel 9 more than most, such was the ratings bonanza.  Sadly, he kept a lid on it this year and was his usual self the morning after.  Borza.  At least Claudia Karvan didn’t let the team down with not only a nipple slip, but also a liberal dropping of the f bomb. 

Channel 9 got to host the Logies this year and as such, there was a fair bit of overkill with the usual suspects.  Jules Lund (who just quietly needs to lay off the spray tan and bleached tips), Richard Wilkins (ditto), Ruby Rose (now with all new blue-rinse) and Natalie Gruzlewski (Channel 9’s female answer to Eddie McGuire).

Sadly, I failed to recognise at least half of the “stars”.  Perhaps because a fair few of them have zero to do with actual Australian Television.  Brynn Gordon?  The chick who married the ultimate sugar daddy and who’s biggest claim to fame was wearing a revealing dress at some footy awards?  Really?   The kids for the new Hi-5 walked down the red carpet and my whole family said in Unison “Who the hell are those brightly coloured weirdos?”  I would say at least half the people shown on the red carpet, or who were up for nomination, were people I had never heard of before.

The ceremony itself was hosted by Bert Newton, legend of Television.  I think anyone over the age of 30 digs Bert, below that, they don’t just don’t understand his awesomeness.  Although hosting would be stretching the term somewhat.  He even mentioned himself that next year, he’d be bringing “some knitting” to do out back as he really had so little to do.  It was all about the presenters doing most of the work.  Bert was Bert, but he was a little off.  Other things on his mind perhaps?  Probably his best line of the night was “We are off to a commercial break, here’s Moira”.

Shaun Micallef stole the show with both acceptance speech and presenting his awards and many called for him to present next years Logies.

There were touching moments of course, including inducting Brian Naylor (Iconic Newsreader who tragically died along with his wife, in the Black Saturday fires) into The Hall of Fame.  So too the “In memoriam” montage of actors who had passed away throughout the year.  Sadly, it was like a popular-o-meter with some actors getting zero applause whilst others got standing ovations.  Poor form by the Logies audience.

There were awkward moments with The Bondi Rescue boys saying something about winning the award “again” being quite predictable.  The audience turned on them.  Also, I think most of the viewing public had a WTF? moment when Rebecca Gibney declared she was premenstrual and suitably crying towards the end of her acceptance speech.

Also of note were the Myer minutes, commandeered by Natalie Gruzlewski and Richard Wilkins.  Umm, perhaps Channel 9 better get some new clocks, because they were the longest minutes in history.

Of course, every year, we ship in an overseas guest artist to perform. Why, when we have such brilliant talent here, is beyond me.  Perhaps Aussie artists have the heads up and refuse, whilst we can rope in an oblivious big name act overseas act? This year it was KD Lang and John Mayer.  KD was brilliant, John Mayer, meh....  Also Gabriella Chilmi, that 18 year old gorgeous and talented young lady, gave a great performance at the beginning of the night and thank the lord, it wasn’t her woman on a mission song.

Ruby Rose was also a talking point with her new hairstyle.  Was it a nanna bluerinse gone wrong?  Had she deliberately dyed her hair grey?  Either way, she’s still a very beautiful girl and held up her end of the red carpet interviewing.

And look, we could discuss the red carpet fashions all day. Hang on, no we can’t, because, to be honest, no one really had a shocker. Sadly. 

Twitter got overtaken with tweets of the Logies much to many peoples dismay.  Often times, it was downright nasty and bordering on vicious. 

Here are some samples of the tamer and more enjoyable tweets on the night:


@adamrichard #logies boring without Shelly Craft's nipple

@remued Hugh Sheridan's satin suit looks highly flammable #logies

@mistergjones: "I think I'm pre-menstrual." Only on Australian TV. We are ALL class down-the-f*&k-under. #logies

@adamrichard I hate when they snub someone from the deady bones montage - where was lara bingle's "career"? #logies

@wadekingsley Bert could drop a turd on stage and get a standing ovation #logies

@emilybwebb Get used to your hair looking like that everyday once the baby arrives, Nat. Frightfest! #logies (on Natalie Bassingthwaites hair)

@sammy_roberts22 sitting here, waiting for @johncmayer to perform on the logies. He's pretty much the only reason I am watching it


So after 4.5 hours, we were finally graced with the very deserving winner – Alf from Home and Away, wait, I mean, Ray Meagher.  He was gracious and humbled.  Perfect winner. 

Full list of winners for the 52nd annual Logie Awards
GOLD LOGIE - Ray Meagher, Home and Away (Seven)

SILVER LOGIE (Popular Awards)

Most Popular Actor - Hugh Sheridan, Packed to the Rafters (Seven)

Most Popular Actress - Rebecca Gibney, Packed to the Rafters (Seven)

Most Popular Drama - Packed to the Rafters (Seven)

Most Popular Presenter - Shaun Micallef, Talkin’ ‘Bout Your Generation (Ten)

Most Popular Reality Program - MasterChef Australia (Ten)

Most Popular Lifestyle Program - Better Homes and Gardens (Seven)

Most Popular Light Entertainment - Talkin’ ‘Bout Your Generation (Ten)

Most Popular Sports Program - The Footy Show NRL (Nine)

Most Popular Factual Program - Bondi Rescue (Ten)

Most Popular New Male Talent - Luke Mitchell, Home and Away (Seven)

Most Popular New Female Talent - Carrie Bickmore, The 7pm Project (Ten)

SILVER LOGIE (Outstanding Awards)

Outstanding Children’s Program - My Place (ABC)

Outstanding Factual Program - Law and Disorder (SBS)

Graham Kennedy Award for Outstanding New Talent - Matt Preston, MasterChef Australia (Ten)

Outstanding News Coverage - Victorian Bushfires (Seven)

Outstanding Public Affairs Report - Code of Silence, Four Corners (ABC)

Outstanding Sports Coverage - V8 Supercars: Supercheap Auto Bathurst (Seven)

Outstanding Light Entertainment - Talkin’ ‘Bout Your Generation (Ten)

Outstanding Drama Series, Mini-series or Telemovie - East West 101 (SBS)

Outstanding Actress - Claudia Karvan, Saved (SBS)

Outstanding Actor - Don Hany, East West 101 (SBS)

For the Logies fashion winners and losers, visit the fashion playground

My husband and I play a fun game when we watch Unberbooby, I mean, Underbelly.  It’s called the “Booby Minute”.  It revolves around both of us making a guess before each episode airs, as to when we will see our first set of naked breasts.   Usually we wager something like, he who wins doesn’t have to make school lunches all week or something equally repugnant.

Anyhoo, the first episode of this series came through as a winner for me.  I guessed 2 minutes, he guessed 5.  1 minute in – BOOBS.  Big ones.  I win. 

Let’s face it, this show’s popularity is majorly boosted by the fact that it is in fact, soft porn.  The statement released by Channel 9 in fact, alludes to some sultry and Adult Only content.  It reads “Underbelly:  The Golden Mile is the story of the excesses of the empire, the collapse of the empire, the chaos that followed, and the ultimate victory of strong and honest police ... seen through the eyes of some of the most sexy, charming, corrupt and deadly people of the time."  Awesome!  Dodgy people, good people and sex.  What more does anyone in Australia really need?

Nothing apparently because on Sunday night, the ratings were off the charts.

I mean, I think they seriously lost some viewers with Series 2,  A tale of Two Cities. It should by rights have been called “A Talle of Shite New Zealand accents and Overexposure of Matthew Newtons Arse".

This series takes up two years on from where Series two finished up.   1989 in Kings Cross Sydney.  A creepy, liver spotted,  Peter O’Brien continues his role as “colourful” racing identity George Freeman.  But this time, it’s more about who ran Kings Cross, often referred to as the Golden Mile.

I haven’t delved too much into what the series will bring about, because to be honest, I want a surprise, but google John Ibrahim, and that should give you a fairly good idea.

John Ibrahim, the baby faced, amazingly good-looking guy, played by Firass Dirani, burst onto our screen as the high schooler expelled for fighting, working on nightclub doors and earning enough cash playing standover man, to buy into a major nightclub on the cross.  All within the first two episodes.  He also got stabbed, nearly died and of late, in real life, has been implicated with Lara Bingle.

Also getting her story started is the good girl, gone bad, gone good,  Kim Hollingsworth played by Emma Booth.  She had the most notable scene of the night on Sunday,  with her rookie prostitute performance of a  “blow job” .  Youtube “Underbelly blow job” and it will show you all you need to know.  Who can blame the poor girl right?  Fortunately,  Miss Hollingsworth wisens up. She fights her way out of an abusive relationship with Trent (Mark Furze of Home and Away), falls into prostitution and then becomes an undercover agent. There’s more, much more, but I’m guessing that’s the ride Channel 9 are about to take us on.

With other big names like Sigrid Thornton, Steve Bastoni and Wil Traval on the cast list, I am looking forward to sinking into the couch every Sunday night at 8:30pm and catching up with  my seedy mates on the cross.

For the record, my guess for this Sunday coming is 3 minutes.  My husbands is 30 seconds.  He wishes. 

True to it's title, we only heard Miley Cyrus sing in the very last song of this movie.  Lucky that.  I had made a mental pact with myself that if she spontaneously broke into song, High School Musical style, I was out of there.  But apart from some singing along to a Maroon 5 song, Miley contains herself.  In fact, the soundtrack is surprisingly alternate.

On the other hand, the little cow made me cry.  Again.  Shameful as it is to admit it, I cried four freaking times during Hannah Montana the movie. Four Times!  What the hell is that about?  But this movie, well let’s just say I wasn't the only one needing a whole box of Kleenex and wearing waterproof mascara. 

There are so many movies out at the moment which feature a pretty young thang with an even prettier male counterpart, involving heartbreak and romance, that it is very hard to differentiate between them all.  The difference between The Last Song and all the other “Romantic” movies out there at the moment, is that the relationship between her real life boyfriend, Aussie Liam Hemsworth and her, is only part of the story, not what the whole movie revolves around.

To be honest, I didn’t want to like this movie.  I took my 10 year old daughter and her 11 year old friend after considerable begging and,  although they didn’t get as emotional as me (No comment), they did walk out saying, and I quote “I am sooo seeing that again!”  Not on my dime you’re not sweet cheeks.

Anyway, the movie revolves around a troubled teen, Ronnie (Miley Cyrus) and her brother Jonah (Bobby Coleman), (who by the way, completely steals the show) being shuffled from New York and off to a small Georgian Beach town for the summer to stay with their father Steve (Greg Kinnear).  The childrens parents had divorced some years ago for reasons that are never completely made apparent.

And, to be honest, Ronnie isn’t all that troubled.  She’s just a little pissed off.  Her parents split up, she’s been acting up at school and even though she’s been offered a position at the exclusive Julliard for her gifted Piano talent, she’s not going. Cause, you know, her parents spilit up and stuff.  Basically she’s being a brat.

So she arrives, refusing to talk to her Dad, and not interested in the sweet beach house he lives in. Which, by the way is total Beachfront.   It appears creating stained glass windows is quite the lucrative gig.  I’ll stop right there with the criticisms though, because to be honest, I could poke a million holes in this movie.  Like how or why they would leave a 10 year old boy to his own devices with heavy duty knives and mountains of pointy shards of glass at his disposal.  Or the fact that no one puts out a missing persons report when Miley goes AWOL for 24 hours.  But I won’t because, straight up, this is a movie to just watch and enjoy, not to be treated as modern art.

Newcomer Liam Hemsworth, who as I mentioned previously, is both an Australian and Miley Cyrus’s boyfriend in real life, does a great job of being, well, both the incredibly hot love interest and demonstrating his range of acting abilities playing Will, the rich boy with altruistic tendencies.

Without giving away the plot and the very reason this movie will bring a tear to your eye, multiple characters get a personality makeover during the summer Ronnie & Jonah come to stay in Southern Georgia.   Miley Cyrus does a goodish job of her job portraying Ronnie and I was constantly drawn to her massive pout.  Are those lips natural?  I digress. 

Look, this movie could be seen at home on DVD and you won’t be kicking yourself for not seeing it on the big screen at all.   I do advise though, if you have pre-teens that you still have to accompany to the movies, you will find The Last song the most enjoyable one screening right now, that ticks all the boxes for both generations.

The Last Song, Screening at all Major Cinemas.

Did you catch it?  What did you think?  Personally, I thought it was pretty terrible.  But then I’m a married 34 year old woman who chooses her footy tips based on the cutest mascot. 

But in all seriousness, this jazzed up version of the 9:30pm Channel 9 Footy Show is weak and well, just not funny.  Humour was thin on the ground  which is unfortunate as I’m sure that was their major aim,  based on the amount of skits they tried to jam pack into an hour.  Matthew has fellow former footballer, Shane Webcke as he wingman and notable former celibate footy player, Jason Stevens asking the hard questions. This week Jason seemed quite comfortable speaking with a slightly off tap singer,  Ke$ha.

This show rated really well, especially in Sydney.  Was it because people were curious?  I think so, but then again, there were tons of positive responses on Twitter in real time,  saying they loved it and thought Matty Johns was hilarious.    It absolutely blew the original Footy Show out of the water based on numbers, but then again, they are two completely different timeslots, with two very different sets of viewers.    Next week, it will go head to head with the local AFL shows in the lower states.  That’s when its mettle will be severely tested.

The thing is, Matty Johns basically was the Channel 9 footy show, with  Reg Regan being his biggest success.  His Don Bourke spoof, “Don Kirk” was only slightly funny and just made me miss the days of Reg all that more.

Then, well, there was that unfortunate incident where he alledgedly pack-raped a young lady in New Zealand and unceremoniously got the flick.  Now Channel 7, in their infinite wisdom, didn’t just let him back on TV, they graced him with his own TV show.  How freaking lucky is that?  This guy, regardless of talent, did a very bad thing.  No two ways about it.  To celebrate that, they rewarded him with something most entertainers could only dream of.   I agreed with  Luke Bradnam of Hot Tomato this week when he said, if he had of come out and seriously, just for a minute, talked frankly about his comeback, his feud with his brother and what he has been up to since his fall from grace, he, and the rest of Australia, would have not only appreciated it, but would have been glued.   Anyway, I digress, this is about the show. 


I’m guessing the true test will be week 2 and also week 3.  Week one just tested the water. Were there enough people ready to watch a show about footy boofheads taking the piss at 7:30 on a Thursday night?  Last week yes, this week, time will tell.

The Matty Johns Show – Thursdays 7:30pm – Channel 7.

Perhaps “THE LUCKIEST COUGAR ON THE FACE OF THE PLANET” would have been a more apt Title for this movie.  Maybe it was already trademarked by Demi Moore.  Either way, I recommend you give this one a miss.

With such a plethora of not just great, but Oscar worthy movies out at the cinema at the moment, The Rebound just doesn’t deserve your $18.  It does however, deserve the $6.95 when it comes out on DVD .

I guess the movies’ biggest downfall is what they didn’t do, more than what they did, when making this movie. 

The movie stars Catherine Zeta Jones who plays Sandy, a newly single mother of two who moves to New York City to escape her cheating husband.   Yeah, moves to the most expensive city on the planet, with no job and no work experience.  As you do.

Enter Justin Bartha who plays the very attractive, yet sensitive, Aram Finklestein who works in the coffee shop below her massive (by New York standards) apartment.  He just happens to be at a little crossroads in his own life, and agrees to babysit the kids when she secures quite possibly, one of the most sought after jobs in the modern world, Sports writer and presenter an ESPN.  As you do.

Luckily, Aram and the kids hit it off, next thing you know, so do he and Sandy.  A series of, well, kind of inappropriate scenes follow with the somewhat brattish kids busting in on them and the like.  Not to mention there are just a lot character traits that are just not explained or followed up on. Like how the eight year old daughter is really, really into death and dead things.  There is also a very mysterious comment made about receving  a “new plastic arshehole” that just never gets explained. 

There is one scene which is just about beyond description in which Sandy dates a chiropractor with atrocious personal hygiene.  That too, could have been humorous, but instead falls flat and just completely grosses the audience out.

The movie does move on and does have a plot.  Probably the last 20 minutes are the most enjoyable, and without giving away the plot, of course there is a convenient, if not slightly unexpected, ending. 

Sadly, Catherine Zeta Jones, just doesn’t pull off the newly divorced, independent lady who is screwing a guy 15 years younger than her.  There is also that weird quasi American/Welch accent she’s got going on.  Of course though, she still looks incredibly hot. 

That said, Justin Bartha is a brilliant new talent.  Not just because of his looks, which certainly will bring in the admirers, but his witty one liners will have you wanting to see more range from him.  His character Aram, is just way too good to be true.  A sensitive 25 year old who wants a 40 year old with some serious baggage and just can’t get enough of someone else kids? Not likely.  A beautiful scenario, but unrealistic at best.

Then again, I always say, you go to the movies to escape for a couple of hours.  Escape from reality you will.

The Rebound, in Birch Carroll and Coyle and Reading Cinemas now.

Men, men, men, men, men, men, men, men, men...

In all honesty, this show should really be renamed Two plus one nearly Fully Grown Men.  Because, these days,  the cute little half man, Jake (played by Angus T Jones) has a voice that indicates a certain dropping in the pant area, and is now taller than his dad Alan (Jon Cryer).  

Do you know what totally blows me away about this show?  Its popularity.   It consistently scores over a million viewers per night and often, out-rates every other program.  Even the repeats.   This has many people scratching their heads and screaming  - WTF?

It is on every night at 7pm on Channel 9 and usually, if all else fails, and there is nothing else pressing, Channel 9 will just throw it on for good measure at other random times.  It's like The Simpsons of the Channel 9 world.  However, this one rates phenomenally.   So in the world of Television advertising, this equates to gold. And this, my friends, is why it is on high rotation.

My biggest gripe with this show is not Charlie Sheen's choice of attire. Nor is it the fact that his 1950's bowling get-up makes me doubt he would be able to pull as many hot women as he does.  It's not even the fact that Channel 9 flogs it relentlessly.  No my biggest annoyance comes from the lack of programming with which they show it.  There appears to be zero consistency with the order in which they screen it.  One minute, Jake's a ten year old boy, eating and farting, the next minute he's a 16 year old pubescent quasi-man, ironically, still eating and farting.    It flips from being the episode 4 to episode 104 without apology. 

To be honest, when I do actually watch it, which is more often than not because I am too lazy to locate the remote control, I actually don't mind it.  I laugh a fair bit and Berta, their bikie loving housekeeper keeps the one liners coming.

Charlie Sheen who plays the imaginatively named, Charlie, does quite the job of acting the laid back, wealthy brother who has been kind enough to let (read reluctantly, house) his brother Alan and nephew, Jake since Alan's nasty divorce to his ex-wife. 

Whatever it is, whether it's the fact that Charlie Sheen is never far from the headlines - be it his horrendous break-ups with his multitude of wives or the fact that he's in an out of rehab for god knows what, or just the fact that, like anything familiar, it feels like home, this show just keeps on keeping on.  Seven seasons and counting.

The chances of Channel 9 showing a bit of consistency in the order of episodes anytime soon,  appears slim at best.

So, if all else fails, and there's nothing else on the teev, tune into Channel 9, sit down and slip into a little bit of Two and a Half Men.  Or go pluck your eyebrows. The two are equally painful, yet oddly, equally satisfying.

I don't care if you are 8 or 88; I have four words for you about Disney's Alice In Wonderland - GO AND SEE IT.

Directed by Tim Burton, Wonderland takes you on Alice's journey, 13 years after her initial tumble down the hole.  To be honest  with you, Tim Burton and Johnny Depp together kind of freak me out.  Well, look at Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, a couple of years back.  I think there were some serious wacky tobaccy getting shared around between the writers and directors just quietly, because that movie was bonkers. Enjoyable but completely insane.

So, that and the fact that a couple of reviews I had read only gave Alice 3 out of 5 stars, my expectations were to see something visually stunning, a forgettable story line and of course, Johnny Depp acting insane.   I was so wrong.  (Oh I was pretty on the money with Johnny, but he was insane in a cute adorable kind of way.)

I guess I was also reluctant to see it because generally, kids' movies just bug me.  There are exceptions, Finding Nemo, Toy Story, Shrek etc, but it is often so hard to find one that doesn't make you want to poke your own eyeballs out.  (Alvin and The Chipmunks anybody??) There is no swearing.  There is no crude innuendo.  There is simply just story telling and the insertion of visual humour that doesn't rely on poo and vomit to get a giggle.  Tim Burton and Co have simply nailed it.  We had two ten year olds with us as well who both said and I quote "Like Oh My God, that was the best movie eva".  Take that Miley Cyrus and your climbing of mountains.

Set in the Victorian Era, the movie kicks off with Alice arriving at an estate where a pre-arranged and completely unexpected proposal, from a ginger haired Lord with serious digestion problems, takes place.  Of course Alice, who is still grieving her father's death and is not shall we say, a demure Victorian girl, simply cannot accept his offer without of course, having a tiny breakdown and fleeing the scene.

After chasing a white rabbit wearing a waist coat, holding a pocket watch, Alice tumbles down a hole.  Up to this point, I haven't mentioned the 3D nature of this film because it really hasn't been apparent.  Falling down that hole though, holy geez, hang on to your seats (and your pants just quietly). 

Helena Bonham Carter, who is real life, is married to director Tim Burton - (nepotism shnepotism - this woman can seriously act) plays the evil Red Witch.  The fact that her head is around 3 times its normal size on a teeny body is a truly marvellous example of how the makers have effortlessly mixed animation and real life.  The back story on the Red Witch being, she invaded and seized control of Wonderland.  She basically blew it up and burnt it down. 

The Mad Hatter, played by Johnny Depp, has been waiting for Alice to return to defeat the Jabberwocky and the Red Queen.  I know this sounds kooky and it kind of is, but at no stage watching this, was it confusing.  I think the best quote in the movie was Alice to the Mad Hatter "Yes you're crazy, you're loony and bonkers - but you know they say all the best people are a bit mad" 

The other standout performances come from Anne Hathaway - The White Queen.  There was every opportunity to turn her loveliness into cheesiness in this movie, yet they don't.  She's an angel with a very weak stomach and a penchant to twirl on the spot.

Of course other standout performances from Stephen Fry who plays the Cheshire Cat.  He is divine, both the cat and Stephen.  Matt Lucas plays both Tweedledum and Tweedledee.  And of course, Crispin Glover,  (the Knave of Hearts) who has come a long way since being George McFly in back to the future.

But what about Alice?  Mia Wasikowska is an Australian actress who I'm thinking, whether she realises it or not, has just hit the freaking jackpot.  She is sensational in this movie.  She has just enough feistiness, innocence and sarcastic wit to make a grown up Alice lovable and acceptable to all those who associate Alice of Wonderland with a young child.

They say money can't buy you happiness.  But for the cost of a movie ticket, you can buy yourself 1 hour and 49 minutes of the stuff.

Oh and I have one more word - Funderwhack.   You will just have to see the movie to understand how awesome that word is.

The biggest loser this year is the viewing audience.

I mean, it's been done hasn't it.

Wait, actually, this was the first year they failed to research their contestants and after filming quite a few episodes, realised one of them was being done for child pornography.  Well done Channel 10.  Methinks a partiuclar researcher got asked politely to leave the Channel 10 stable after that faux pas. 

This year, I have very low patience for the show.  Perhaps, like So You Think You Can Dance, all that changes from year to year, are the names and faces. The story is still the same.  And I take nothing away from the fact that these guys put themselves out there, for the whole of Australia to see, at their largest and most vulnerable.  But see, I guess, as viewers, we are fickle.

I used to have a loathe/loathe relationship with AJ Rochester.  Her robot like hosting style made me mental so too her airbrushed cover on Womans Day.  She screwed over Centrelink, paid it back and left the country in seek of wowing Oprah.  Win win really.

Then we got Hayley Lewis.  She gets points straight up for being ultra fit and for having the kind of physique the contestants can aspire to.  Then she loses points because she too, sounds like a robot.  Do they have a special school for this Robot speak?

Shannon and Michelle are there too, the trainers.  They are both good, solid people.  They walk the talk and seem to genuinely like, believe and care for the contestants each year. Oh and let's not forget The Commando who cracks me up without even meaning to.  I mean who the hell acts like that? 

18 contestants split into 9 couples (meant to be ten but aforementioned criminal activity put paid to that) began the contest.  Every Monday night, a couple with the least weight loss percentage gets kicked out.  This night in particular is extremely painful.  It is long, unnecessarily drawn out and another chance for Hayley to get her robot dance out.

So in one of the episodes this week, the losers, were challenged to go help out the Bondi Rescue boys.  Just what every overweight person wants to hear - "get your swimmers dear, you are going to get your bits out for the people of Australia".

Also this week, the biggest weight lost percentage ever by a contestant.  Seriously if this good for people?  Isn't 1kg a week a healthy aim if you want to keep it off long term?  13% of your body weight in one week?  Safe? Probably not, but unfortunately Channel  10 don't have 68 weeks up their sleeves to film this stuff, so the big amounts have to be lost, and lost quickly.

One major improvement this year is the discussion on food.  The series of years past would have you believe that they exercise their butts off (literally) and that's all that matters.  They rarely talked about food, other than to challenge the already weakened contestants with fatty spring rolls or cream buns as temptations.  This however, did little to educate the viewers at home about the the fact that effective weight loss is about combining the old adage, exercise and eat well. 

Anyhoo, of course, after watching a few seasons of this show, I know you can simply watch the finale and learn all you need to know about the contestants.  Because it goes for about 5 hours, with each contestants jurnneee from woe to go. This final episode of course showing the thing we all want to see - the silhouette of the massive "old" them, smashed through by the new, now ultra skinny them.

The Biggest Loser

Channel 10

7:30pm weeknights.

Thinking of spending your next movie night watching Valentines Day on the big screen?  You might want to rethink that.   This is a romantic comedy, that's light on the comedy and romance.

Not because it's terrible.  Not because it's ridiculous. No, the reason you need to leave it off your list is because there are so many better movies that need to be seen in a movie theatre at twenty bucks a pop.  This is a romantic comedy, that's light on the comedy and romance.

This movie, by rights, should have been a winner.  Here is a list of just some of the big names who star in it.  

Julia Roberts, Bradley Cooper, Jamie Fox, Ashton Kutcher, Jessica Alba, Shirley MacLaine, Jennifer Garner, Jessica Beal, Anne Hathaway and Patrick Dempsey (aka McDreamy)

I could go on because I am nowhere near finished with the cast roll call, but I'm sure you get the gist.  

This movie by the way, made the most money ever in a Valentines weekend in America.  I guess that needs to be noted but something is clearly amiss here.  I mean it was watchable, but it was no love Actually.  Although it tried mighty hard to be just that.

The movie has approximately 10 different story lines going on during the one day that is Valentines Day.  All these stories are somehow intertwined with the one another.  The centre storyline being a florist owned by Ashton Kutcher that apparently is the only flower shop in Los Angeles that anynody uses.

It begins with Reed (Ashton Kutcher) proposing to Morley (Jessica Alba).  She says yes.  Pity she doesn't mean it.

Patrick Dempsey plays a guy out of his usual comfort zone, a doctor.  Wait, that is his usual comfort zone.    But he is a bastard in this movie, so at least that's a change.

There are standout performances from Queen Latifa and most notably, Anne Hathaway whose phone sex scenes totally make up for the lack of comedy elsewhere in this flick.

This all comes together nice and neatly at the end.  It's just not satisfying nor do many of the characters actually have any chemistry.  With this amount of available talent, I find this the biggest let down of all.

But all in all, it's a terrific perve, for both sides of the fence.  There is a coupling you will not see coming and a scene that will definitely make you cry.  There will also be a few that may you dry retch in cheesiness.

As Molly Meldrum used to say: Do yourself a favour: Get it out on DVD.

The constant flogging of this show on The Australian Open Tennis by Channel 7 in the lead up to the premiere, had me doubting that this show would live up to expectations. Imagine my surprise when not only did it live up to the hype, it surpassed it.

The show centres on Courtney Cox's' character Jules Cobb,a recently divorced 40 something real estate agent, who reluctantly decides it's time to reacquaint herself with the dating world. Dating much younger men that is. Of course this is where the Cougar part comes in. A Cougar in the dating world is supposedly a lady, I would say, aged 40 plus who dates much younger men. Whilst this used to be exclusively a mans domain, the tide is turning and it appears the young men of the world are cottoning on the fact, with age comes experience. If you know what I mean.

So, so far we have been introduced to Jules's ex-husband Bobby. Bobby is hilarious. He is unemployed, a moocher and lives on a boat supported by alimony he receives from Jules. In the first episode he manages to severely embarrass his 17 year old son Travis (played by Dan Byrd) by getting a job cutting the lawn in the most hilarious fashion imaginable, at Travis's school. Travis, who lives with Jules absolutely, in my opinion, steals the show with his witty one liners and obvious affection for his mother.

Other notable cast members include Busy Phillips who plays the character of Laurie Keller, Jules much younger, very loose, employee and assistant. Then we get to meet Jules's next door neighbour Ellie Tores (played by Christa Miller of The Drew Carey Show/Scrubs fame). Married and mother to baby Stan (a source of one-liners all to itself), Ellie is insanely jealous of Jules' friendship with Laurie and is starting to feel left out and forgotten being a stay at home mother.

Last but not least is Grayson Ellis (portrayed by Josh Hopkins) Jules also recently divorced neighbour. He is having no trouble finding and dating numerous young ladies much to Jules's disgust. Clearly this is going to be the new Ross/Rachel URST (Unresolved Sexual Tension) of old. Both are good looking, both are obviously attracted to each other and more than likely, this will play out in the background of each episode.

Courtney Cox is one smart cookie. She's come a long way since being picked out of the crowd to dance on stage with Bruce Springsteen back in the 80's. In fact, some would even go so far as to say, she looks better now than she did then. I recently read she attributes her youthful looks to giving up the cigarettes and eating better. I think if you pop a smidge of Botox and a kick-arse hairdresser into the mix, she might be a little closer to the truth. But good for her. She certainly knows how to pick a show that is funny and watchable. Best of all, she's nothing like the OCD Monica character she played in Friends.

If you missed the first episode, go here: http://au.tv.yahoo.com/plus7/ to watch the first episode. Highly recommended.

Cougar Town - Channel 7, Thursdays at 8:30pm

So you think you can dance.  Is that a statement or a question?  I’ve always wondered.  

The new Season of So You Think you Can Dance started on Sunday and will be a regular fixture on our TV’s for the coming months.

After seeing Sundays debut, they should just rename it “So You Think You Can Have a Cry”.

The usual suspects lined up again – the judges Bonnie Lithgow, Jason Coleman and Matt Lee and of course, host, the NatBass (Natalie Bassingthwaighte).

Nothing much has changed, although Bonnie Lithgow’s range of face movement has been somewhat limited since last year.  Just sayin.

Jason (going gracefully grey) Coleman continues to call everyone he speaks to “Fella” even though personally, I find this to be quite derogratory and Matt Lee still appears to have trouble getting his hat to sit squarely on his head.  If I came face to face with him, I do believe I would have a hard time not slapping it backwards off his head and screaming “Fix it Matt, Fix ITTTT!”

That aside, as mentioned above, there was a hell of a lot of emotion from each and every contestant on Sunday night, so much so, I began to think they were force feeding every single one of them Celine Dion behind the scenes.  

If you’ve  read Ben Elton’s Chart Throb, you will have great insight into these reality shows that find the countries best singer or dancer.

Basically 1000’s of people audition. Just not in front of the precious judges as it appears.  Days or weeks before, they perform in front of hired hands that make the decision – You’ve got it, or you don’t.  

That’s why you get the awesome back stories.  When you sign up, they ask for your life story.  If for instance, you say you lived a pretty normal life at home with mum (an office clerk) dad, (a carpenter) with 2.5 brothers and a childhood in the burbs, forget it, go home buddy.  It’s all about back-story and it being a) revealing and b) tragic.

Unlike its cousin, Australian Idol, it doesn’t parody the non-starters quite as much, but the judges are still as random.  Often I wonder if they’ve just watched the same footage as I have. 

Bonnie: “Oh you have moved me beyond my wildest dream”

Me “Did we just watch two different things?”

I guess Sunday’s night episode was particularly interesting because the auditions were held at the Gold Coast Convention Centre.  Although barely any of them were from the Gold Coast.  

Anyway, this week is about audition and selection.  This show rates incredibly well. 

My ten year old daughter watching it with me said “Mum, my leg keeps twitching”. So does mine.  I think that’s called, “getting into the moment”.   Sometimes, you’ve just got to go with it, no matter how arrogant the judges seem.

The music is outstanding (in fact it makes it), the dancing, is almost always awesome and the premise of being voted number one dancer in the country will keep viewers coming back again and again.  Ten know when they are on to a winner.  I hope they know it’s the dancers (and the accompanying music) that the public are coming back for though.

Season 6 of House returns on Sunday and although I am akin to a lapsed Catholic in my viewing habits of House, I feel it may be time to return to the fold.

I kind of ended up straying from the House flock when the formula of the show, week after week, never changed. You know.  Sick Person.  No one knows what’s going on.  In comes House.  He then manages to bugger up the diagnosis at least three times whilst prescribing Interferon.  Some sort of life lesson, usually involving him being an absolute ass to all those around him is learned which leads to a light bulb moment in which he realises what is really wrong with the patient.  Patient cured, House MD sucks down a few more Vicoden, gives Wilson and the interns a hard time and cue: end of episode.

I love the humour that is injected into House.  Always have.  It’s that's what makes it.  We’ve got tons of medical shows to choose from, yet this one has always reigned, purely due to one character – Dr Gregory House played by Hugh Laurie.  Hilarious of course that an English actor is one of the biggest players in the world of American Television.  

But as I mentioned, they went stale.  The three fabulous characters of Dr Eric Foreman (Omar Epps), Dr Robert Chase (Aussie – Jesse Spencer) and Dr Allison Cameron (Jennifer Morrison) went by the wayside of late and the new interns dominated.  But as many television series go, it got ridiculous.  And monotonous.

This season will be different.  I hope.  Well at least it starts off very promising.

At the end of Season 5, House was admitted to a mental institution.  A long serving drug addiction to pain killers and some very off tap behaviour, led his best friend Wilson to admit him.

So Season six kicks off with a very unhappy House locked up in the loony bin. He pulls out the stops to have himself thrown out which in turn leads to him staying longer and much more uncomfortably-than if he had just co-operated.  

Just quietly, there is a romantic interest for House and some, by the looks of things, very poignant yet funny scenes that will get this series back on track to having you making sure each Sunday at 9pm, you are sitting front and centre, not missing a single moment.

No, I haven’t changed into a 14 year old deliberately writing like I text, lazy and dyslexic, that’s the Title of the new Australian movie released last week.

My friend and I went to the movies last night, Robina as always.  Something about being able to team an awesome dinner, a Max Brenners Mocha and the movies together that has us completely sucked in.

Anyway I digress; we went to the movies but had no idea what we were going to see. There was nothing on we were desperate to see.  Unlike I will be in February.  We saw the trailer last night of a new movie called Valentine’s Day.  I don’t even care what that movie is about, the absolute perve fest that will ensue at that movie for both guys and girls will have me there opening night.   Actors include, for starters, Jessica Alba, Bradley Cooper, Taylor Lautner, Eric Dane, Taylor Swift, Patrick Dempsey, Julia Roberts and oh so many more.

OK, seem to have regressed again, so long story short (Oh really, I hear you saying, it’s been pretty freaking long so far) we chose Bran Nue Dae over It’s Complicated, probably more so because we were scared the latter might be old peoples porn.  Something we just weren’t ready for.

I wanted so much to like this movie, my friends' in-laws had just seen it and said they hadn’t laughed so much in a long time.  Positive sign.  Everything I have read since is positive, glowing and is almost putting this movie on a pedestal, some commenting it is one of the best Australian Movies of all time.  If so, let me tell you, the Australian Film Industry is in deep shit.

I turned to Twitter - usually a good gauge of people’s feelings:  Here are some tweets I picked at random.

@AnhBui Watched Bran Nue Dae last night starring Geoffrey Rush, Jess Mauboy, Missy Higgins, Ernie Dingo - best Aussie, satirical & feel good movie!

@HanaRazza we end up watching bran nue dae. uhh, it was boring as. now, on the way home. :)

@helime Bran Nue Dae totally let down by a shite performance by Missy Higgins (Jess Mauboy, on the other hand, is great)

@amity_xo Also, Bran Nue Dae was wonderful :) So nice to see a fun Australian movie for once...

@Twylux I really don't get the reviews for Bran Nue Dae. I thought it was incredibly LAME! Cringe worthy from start to finish with a ridiculous end.

So clearly views on this are mixed.  I kind of identified with each tweet above. Yes, I’m a total fence sitter on this one.  I didn’t realise however, that this was originally a musical that has been adapted for the big screen.  As such, there is a lot of spontaneous bursting into song.  Which I understand is par for the course with a musical and just like when I first saw Mama Mia, I had the whole contact embarrassment going on.  But with Mama Mia I soon got over that and just sat back and enjoyed the story.  Not so much with this one.

The movie centres on Willy (played by Rocky McKenzie) a 15 year old Aborigine who is leaving Broome to return to boarding school after the holidays.  A boarding school where his mother, Theresa (no I’m guessing that wasn’t an accident) is hoping he will continue to work at so he can eventually become a priest.  But Willy is thinking with his well, Willy and is in love with Rosie (played by Jessica Mauboy).  He just doesn’t get the chance to tell her that before he returns to school. 

A series of incidents happen at the boarding house which leads to Willy running away from school and running into Uncle Tadpole, a drunken bum (played by Ernie Dingo) and their journey back to Broome.  Without giving away the whole story, basically there are lots of incidents along the way back that interfere with the purpose of returning.  A standout along the way is definitely a sexually starved Magda Szubanski.

It has to be noted the landscape shots in this movie are visually stunning with the blue of the ocean and the orange of the dirt always in beautiful contrast.  

And hey, this movie is watchable, has a very serious message to carry for the indigenous and I take nothing away from that.

Unfortunately, the ridiculous ending and subsequent revelations from nearly all the main cast (especially from Missy Higgins) left me a little disheartened more wasn’t made of it the conclusion.  But hey, I am definitely in the minority here.

More than likely others will love it.

Bran Nue Dae in cinemas now

Wow, never thought I’d live to see the day that a Channel 9 offshoot would host a show way more pornographic than SBS.  But there you go.

I was sort of given a, shall we say, false sense of security, when watching the advertisements for this show.  It kind of looked like a modern day fantasy island with a bunch of hot looking guys.  Awesome.  Or so I thought.

So, it kind of caught me by surprise when it turned out to be homo-erotic gay soft-porn. 

The over 1 minute long opening song should have alerted me that all was not well with Dante's Cove.  I wasn’t paying a lot of attention because of course, it hadn’t started and I was still rooting around in the kitchen, but after 30 seconds, my interest was piqued and I popped my head around the corner to see what was going on.  At first I thought (and keep in mind, this is still in the opening credits) that they were showing a particularly amorous couple in the shower. Right O I thought, it’s 10:30.  Fair enough. 

On closer inspection though, (and after 3 similar shots) I realised they were men in the embraces.   Gay couples.  Hey, I have nothing against gay guys/girls, whatever.  I do however expect a bit of a heads up before I am sit down to watch what I thought was going to be a bit of a paranormal Fantasy Island.

So this series can best be described as Passions (remember the most absolute crap daytime soap on Channel 7 that launched the Gardener played by Jesse Metcalf, on Desperate Housewives career?) mixed with Queer as Folk.  It’s supposedly about an island, magic and gay guys.  Tick, tick and tick. 

There is a premise to the show, to kind of hide the fact that it all about guys screwing each other. Apparently it’s primarily about a young couple seeking to be together and overcome the dark mystical forces that conspire to separate them. The mystical forces are a supernatural religion called Tresum, specifically linked to witchcraft.  Also involved is the drug “Saint”, a mossy substance that can be smoked or eaten.  It has future seeing abilities.   Ra ra ra. It’sporn. 

Clearly this has a cult like following.  Shows that are crap with just enough naff-ness to suck you in, will always get the underground followers.  Hey if Bold and the Beautiful can continue after all these years with serious incestuous issues and unrealistic relationships, then anything is possible.

It needs to be kept in mind that this show was originally produced for Here! in the US  - a premium gay orientated network. This is all fine to me; I just guess I wonder why this is not represented more appropriately when it is advertised during peak times. 

At least you now you have a better idea what you may be up for if you tune into Channel Go! at 10:30 on a Monday night.  Enjoy.  Or dont'.

Movies in 3D are nothing new, in fact our grandparents got to wear the funny glasses at the drive-in way back.  I think I vaguely remember seeing Jaws 3 at the cinema in 3D.  Don’t remember caring if I ever saw another one though. Not too many modern movies, for adults, have been successful in 3D. Well to be more precise, nothing nearly as successful as Avatar.

I need to admit straight up, that I am not in any way a Sci-Fi or Fantasy fan.  Nor am I big lover of cartoons, even most of the kids ones are only made bearable with copious amounts of twisties and malteasers, but Avatar was sensational.

It is so rare you hear zero negative reviews from every single person you speak to about a movie.  Usally someone will say, “Oh it was good, but unrealistic” or “I thought the actors were great, but the plot rubbish”.  Yet to hear a bad word.

And James Cameron could have failed spectacularly with this movie.  He spent something like half a billion dollars to produce and market this movie.  Imagine if it sucked.  What if he had of chosen other actors and not  Sam Worthington or Signorney Weaver?  Would it have worked so well?.  He had an idea, he researched this and armed all of his characters with just the right amount of words and actions to get the very basic point across.  Don’t take what is not yours.

Apparently this was on the drawing board to be produced after the success of Titanic, yet James Cameron was canny enough to realise technology hadn’t caught up with his idea at that stage.  Clearly it was the right decision.

The movie is basically about white man invading the indigenous. There’s nothing new about the storyline, it’s just the way it is depicted in such beauty and heart breaking reality that will take your breath away.  Literally.

Although this has an incredibly political undertone, it is still basic fiction and fantasy at it’s finest.

The Year is 2054.  Basically our Earth is dying.  To keep it alive, we need unobtanium, which they have discovered is in mass quantities on a far away planet’s moon called Pandora.  There are three camps of humans who are living and working on Pandora.  The Mining Corporation, the security force (ex-navy seals and defence personnel) employed by the Miners for protection and the Scientists.  The Mining corporation need the security force due to the savage defensive nature of the indigenous Na’vi’ tribe and they need the Scientists to make friends with the tribe so they can mine freely.  The Scientists (headed by Grace, played by Sigourney Weaver) create human-Na’vi hybrids called avatars, controlled by the corresponding humans mind.

At the end of the day, the Mining Corp want Jake’s (played by Sam Worthington) avatar to get close to the tribe and persuade them to move so the rich mining resources they live upon can be plundered. Sam infiltrates the camp as his avatar and I guarantee you, there is never a stretch believing the two worlds. The scenery of the jungle is simply breathtaking.

It all goes pear shaped when Sam realises what a beautiful race they are and refuses to play the part of devil in disguise.  Oh and it could have something to do with the fact that he falls in love with a lot more than just the scenery.

The battle scenes will have you willing the good guys along and away from danger, whilst physically giving the bad guys the forks. 

A cynic could pick bite sized holes in the plot lines, but hey, it’s 2054, it takes humans 8 years to get there from earth and people can activate big blue bodies with their minds.  It’s time to let fantasy just have its way with you.

I write this more for those of you who are tossing up whether or not to spend the $20 (yep, at least in 3D)  to see what a) you might be thinking will be just a far-fetched adult cartoon and b) just as good on DVD.  No! You need to see it on the big screen. No doubt. Allow yourself 3 hours, a large popcorn and oh, go to the toilet before the show, you are not going to miss a single minute.

THE STRIP

Minding my own business watching Nip/Tuck last night on Go! and I was inexplicably terrorised.

Up flashes an advertisement for a Channel 9 TV Series now out in the shops on DVD.  Why am I disturbed you may wonder.  Well simply because it was an ad for “The Strip”.  Still don’t understand what the problem is?  Perhaps this picture will jog your memory

Remember it?  2008?  13 part series shot on the Gold Coast about cops, the beach, boobs and fluoro tops.  The rest is well, irrelevant.  

I hated this series with a passion.  I watched it with an almost sick fascination.  I mean, who isn’t intrigued when they see something apparently set in their local neighbourhood.  Especially when a scene is supposed to be in Surfers Paradise but is clearly filmed in the back streets of Nerang.  I think perhaps people will buy this series purely for posterity reasons.  Their house was shot in the background or their workplace got a Guernsey.  That or you were an extra.  Even then I’m guessing the embarrassing plot lines and seriously dodgy acting would have you think twice.

See this was formed not long after the smashing success of Underbelly 1. So of course, Channel 9 thought beauty, a) cheap to make Australian Content and b) tits/arse and a holiday to the Gold Coast.  Sadly they didn’t cast well, nor did they think through the storyline.

See no-one cared about the main characters.  Firstly Detective Frances Tully played by Vanessa Gray looked like a sulky mole.  Not likeable at all.  Secondly, Detective Jack Cross played by Aaron Jeffrey just never really cut it as a cop who runs on the beach with his gun out. 

I had my hopes pinned on Frankie J Holden bailing them out but even he could not bail them out of the shite land of unbelievability.

I’ve touched on it before and hope that Channel 9 gets it right if and when they ever do Underbelly: Gold Coast.  A Tale of half assed hit men and seriously stupid bikies. 

So here’s my recommendation.  If you have no eyeballs, have had your eardrums blown out and have a spare $30 to blow, go buy this series and put it on loop.  Otherwise, spare yourself the contact embarrassment and leave it on the shelf. 

SEND IN THE SNIFFER DOGS - Channel 9
I know right, how can you go past a show named Send in the Sniffer Dogs? I hazard a guess it’s set in an airport with loads of Labradors and Beagles sniffing and detecting drugs.  Just a hunch.  I could be wrong; it could be about dogs that sniff out people on the run, potential dead bodies and or drug busts in homes.  Either way, this will be most 7 year olds favourite two worlds colliding – cute dogs and busting dodgy criminals.

THE 2010 WINTER OLYMPICS (Vancouver) - Channel 9
This starts in February and if you look closely, you can already see the Olympic rings watermark in the bottom right hand corner of your television.  Oh and you’ve probably seen Eddie McGuire’s mug on the box at the end of the advertisement for the Games.  If it’s major, Eddie will be there.  Come to think of it, even if it’s minor, Eddie will still come.  It remains to be seen if he will be commentating. 

UNDERBELLY 3 - Channel 9
This time round, Matt Newtons arse will be conspicuously absent, so too the crap New Zealand accent because this year, it centres on Sydney and Kings Cross Underground from the early 80’s to the 1990’s.  Personally I can’t wait til they do the Gold Coast, we have just so much material to use.  The Lacey’s, the Finks and let’s not forget Peter Foster.  It’s a veritable smorgasbord of half assed, embarrassing crims in this town.  Underbelly 4: A tale of incompetent petty theives and standover men.

HEY HEY IT’S SATURDAY - Channel 9
Darryl and the gang have been given the green light for 20 specials after the reunion shows of 2009 rated so highly.  Let’s at least hope they, oh I don’t know, AIR THEM ON A SATURDAY.

MY KITCHEN RULES - Channel 7
Has Channel 7 forgotten about Dicko and the very similarly named ‘My Restaurant Rules’?  Do they own that tagline?  Could they possibly bring out My Toilet Rules?  My Crack Den Rules?  This is meant to rival Masterchef which is also returning in 2010 on ten.  Will it?  Dunno, doubt it.  It’s like  Popstars and Australian Idol.  One was credible, one wasn’t.  Guess which one is still getting a Guernsey in 2010.  That’s right, not the one where Sophie Monk originated.

ICU - Channel 7
Reality series inside the Intensive Care Unit at the Prince Alfred Hospital, I’m guessing only the people who can stomach such shows as RPA and Last Chance Surgery will be able to handle this show.  ICU’s are not pretty and no one is generally in there because it’s party time.

COUGAR TOWN - Channel 7
You’d be forgiven for thinking this is show revolving around the 45 year old women on the prowl at Melbas on Saturday night, but in fact, it’s a show featuring Courtney Cox (Friends) who is a divorced woman in her 40’s entering a dating scene with much younger men.  Wow, it really could be Melbas on Saturday night.

Border Security, Scrubs, Desperate Housewives, Greys Anatomy and Packed to the Rafters will be back in 2010 also on Channel 7.

Seven’s radder and more excellent cousin SevenTwo (72) has some treats in store for us in 2010, one being:

THE JAY LENO SHOW - SevenTwo
This will be aired at midday weekdays meaning, less late, late nights for devotees.

ALL MY CHILDREN- SevenTwo
This has been somewhat of an institution in the US for decades.  At what point they intend to start the Australian public is unknown, but the gist is a family who had kids and they had kids and on and on with illegitimate children thrown in here and there with some illicit affairs sprinkled into the storylines.  Standard day time soapie stuff and I bet us, lovers of Bold and the Beautiful and the like, get right on board.

THE BIGGEST LOSER - Channel Ten
AJ is in LA getting the fat sucked out of her thighs and doing whatever it takes to get on Oprah (her words) so in her place as host will be Hayley Lewis (the swimmer).  She looks remarkably different.  Clearly Hayley didn’t hit the cream buns when training finished. She looks hawt and will be a major inspiration to the contestants.

BONDI VET - Channel Ten
This works because it has a fabulous opening song and a lovely looking Vet, Dr Chris Brown.  Let’s face it, this is Bondi, not Wandin Valley.  If they really showed the workings of a Bondi Vet, he’s be filing Ragdoll cats nails down and getting splinters out of Maltese x Shitzu’s paws. 

THE CLEVELAND SHOW - Channel Ten
A cartoon that just cracks me up.  Have already spied a few episodes and it is just so well written with lots of tongues in cheeks.  The show is about Cleveland Brown and him returning to his hometown to settle down with his childhood sweetheart, her children and his son.  Modern Day Brady Bunch for the real world.

Returning to Ten also, Rush, Masterchef and Talkin’ Bout your Generation.

ANGRY BOYS - ABC 1
Still not confirmed to start in 2010 but geez I hope it does.  It’s Chris Lilleys new production (We could be Heroes and Summer Heights High) about 21st century males.  Puck you Miss.

LOWDOWN - ABC 1
Series set in a Tabloid Newspapers office.  Should be great.  Australian and on the ABC, what can go wrong?

As long as they don’t mess with ABC3 and the hypnotising powers it has over my children, I will be forever grateful.

2010 is shaping up to be interesting.  Happy viewing!!

Yeah I know this has been out for eons, but I’m a mother in my mid 30’s who only get’s out the house every so often so it wasn’t high on my list of things to do.  Jacob on the other hand......

So New Moon follows on from the 1st Movie in the Twilight Series, aptly named: Twilight.   Do not try and think too hard about that – it just is.

New Moon begins with Bella’s birthday and her wanting no part of it.  Mainly because it brings to the forefront the fact that Edward is 102 and she is only 18.  Has that fact not come to the attention of anyone else?  Um if a 102 year old mortal was dating a teenager would there not be a few fraised eyebrows around town?  And a 102 year old mind, is still, well, a 102 year old mind.  But whatevs, this is fantasy, about vampires and is fictional, so I’m guessing the order of the day is to not over think it.

Edwards “sister” Alice decides a party is in order and it is at this party that an event happens.  One which makes Edward realise to protect Bella, he must never see her again.  So begins Bella’s spiral of depression and melancholy.  Different from her usual state of disassociated self, she doesn’t leave her room and sends 150,000 undeliverable emails.  Standard teenage breakup stuff.

Luckily there is Jacob.  Jacob who is her friend.  See Bella realises if she puts herself in a precarious position, images of Edward will appear warning her off the danger.  She soon figures the best way to get her danger and adrenalin rush will be to ride motorbikes.  Who’s a mechanic?  Jacob.  So in essence she uses Jacob to get her closer to Edward.  He just doesn’t know that.

Jacob clearly likes Bella more than she him, but that doesn’t stop her from pushing the “friendship” into deeper territory.  It’s now that Jacob goes through the change and nows when it gets good.  Because Jacob cuts his hair and we see his amazing body.  A lot.  Oh and he turns into a werewolf when the angry moment seizes him.  Random, sure, but so is a vampire who doesn’t bite humans and sparkles in the sun.

The first sight of the gigantic werewolf just made me giggle and think immediately about American Werewolf in London and how ridiculously unrealistic the wolves looked.  But I’m sure we get the gist, Werewolves can trump the Vampires and that apparently is their mission in life.

Here’s where it gets awkward for Jacob and Bella.  Bella being in love with a vampire which of course, does not sit well with Jacob.  Funnily enough, the fact that she is using him as a stopgap whilst waiting for Edward doesn’t really seem to bother him.

After a misunderstanding, Edward thinks that Bella has killed herself and prepares to present himself to the Volturi to ask for permission to die.  The Volturi being vampire royalty.  Like the Queen and Prince Philip only without the corgis or the lechery.

So without giving away the ending, Bella goes to save her man.  Does she get there in time?  Well the fact that there are another 3 more movies in the Twilight saga still to come, kind of gives it away but the suspense is still great.

The above review probably doesn’t suggest that I particularly liked it.  I did and I will continue to watch the movies as they come out. The story is a love story albeit one that involves mythical creatures.   And who doesn’t want a bit of love story in their life?

In TV land, that’s a chance to get loose.  It’s like a giant “go crazy” sign gets waved in front of the programmers and they can do whatever the hell they like.  And you know what?  That’s a good thing.  Because in all honesty, half the crap that apparently rates well, sucks.  Case in point – Eddie McGuire’s Hot Seat. 

OK, wait, that’s still on, but let’s face it Underbelly 2 and Matthew Newtons bare ass rated incredibly well in 2009 and quite frankly I would rather clean up my 3 year olds gastro than listen that hideous faux New Zealand accent again.

Often times, freedom means doing what you want.  What am I saying? It means doing exactly what you want and off-peak rating season means programmers grow balls and try new stuff out. 

So here I am going to list some stuff that I think  (on free to air digital) you should try out this Summer:

FOR THE GUYS:

WHACKED OUT SPORTS: Funniest Home Video for sport lovers.  Incredibly bad timed or ill thought out sporting madness.  8pm Thursday Nights, on Channel 7.
DISORDERLY CONDUCT CAUGHT ON TAPE: Pretty self explanatory.  Whole bunch of people doing what they shouldn’t.  6pm Sunday nights, on Channel 72

SLAMBALL:  This is a combination of basketball and trampolining.  It endlessly fascinates me.  It has to be seen to be understood.  Let’s just say, it is intense and way more entertaining than either sport on their own. 5pm  Monday nights on One HD.

GRUMPY OLD MEN: Again, self explanatory, but often times it’s a great subject.  A bunch of relatively well known older English men talk about what shits them.  It could be their wives, the cost of petrol, the government or just the fact that that young people don’t respect them.  Funny Stuff.  8pm Tuesday nights on the ABC (Channel 2)

FOR THE WOMEN:

THE BACHELOR: C’mon! – Who doesn’t like a reality series with a seriously hot man and 20 or so women who generally get blind drunk and make fools of themselves all to gain his attention?  8:30pm, Tuesday nights on Go!

THE BODYGUARD: And I, I, I will always love youuuuuuuuuuu.  Remember Whitney before she got hooked on crack and Bobby Brown?  Yeah I know most women do.  That was when she made this love story with Kevin Costner.  Re-live it at 8:30pm tonight on Channel 9.

LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE:  This is one sensational movie.  If you haven’t seen it, now is the time.  Geez Channel ten, why didn’t you just give this Guernsey in ratings period?  8:30pm Sunday on Channel 10.

Clearly this is just a sample and the kids are spoilt for choice especially with the new Channel ABC3 (Ch 23) now available.  I reckon there will be something at most all times of the day to entertain this summer.  If not, perhaps it’s time to take yourself down to the local supermarket and start chatting to one of those hot young guys and gals in the centre of the shopping centre and hook up some Pay TV.

So what’s with the Christmas Movies in November?  Huh Huh?  Seriously December not big enough for you Channel 7?

I am at home – Saturday night (yes the life of a rock star is mind-blowing) and at 6:30 is Madagascar Christmas.  Who even knew there was such a thing?  7pm - Ratatouille (sure, not Christmassy but wait til you hear the next one) 9:30 – The Santa Claus 3.  What the hell?

Has someone not informed Channel 7 it’s freaking November.  A good 27 sleeps away from the big day?  The big day that is Christmas? Because now they are giving my children the unnecessary perception that the big bespectacled jolly fellow is so close they can taste the early morning chocolates that are only legal on Christmas morning.

Even the Christmas beetles were here in October.  Even they're confused. 

People are throwing up their Christmas trees willy nilly and even though everyone who’s everyone know’s its just simply bad luck to put it up before the 1st of December, traditions are being bucked and the world is going mad.

So Channel 7 and any other Channels who are lining up their movies, I ask this of you:  Christmas week: i.e. the week leading up to the 25th – Miracle on 34th Street, National Lampoons Christmas Vacation (Griswald that house people) and Gremlins. At the very least.

And Christmas eve, of course the carols will be on Channel 9 and Ray Martin will be there with the kids (imposters) from Hi 5.  But the other channels, I dare you to play a kid friendly movie, preferably Home Alone 1.  I still remember seeing that when it came out at the movies and nothing felt more like Christmas.  Or even The Grinch, another great one for the kids.

The trick here, is to wear the absolute shit out of the kids during the day (my old favourite – swimming for hours on end) and hopefully they will pass out during the above movie and the adults, can watch, whilst “getting things ready for Santa” Love Actually.  No better Christmas movie around.

Right, I'm off to stick my fingers in my ears till the 18th of December.  La la la la la la la

Like all good shows at this time of the year, this is the season final of Packed to the Rafters.

That means only one thing - loads of Simpsons repeats and Human Nature documentaries.

This is the second season of the very popular and appealing show, often referred to as Rafters.  It consistently rates in the number one spot on Tuesday Nights and Channel 7 must be mighty proud of themselves for saying yes to this very simple yet winning formula.

The story, if you haven’t seen it, revolves around the Rafter Family.  Dave and Julie and their grown children, Rachel, Nathan and Ben.  On the couples 25th wedding anniversary it appears all has finally fallen into place, the kids have all moved out, work is going great and winding time would appear to be in their sights. 

Until a series of events brings 2 or the 3 children home (the other moving in next door) and on top of that, Julie’s father, Ted (played by the fantastic Michael Caton) moves in as well due to his difficulty coping with his wife’s death.

The Rafters have experienced marriage breakdowns, abortions, proposals, armed robbery, adoption, births and vesectomies – and that's just to name a few.

Tonights episode sees Julie having her baby.  Being an older mother, this has had it’s ups and downs, but I guarantee the majority of Australia were tuning in to see if a) all goes well and b) whether the little baby will be wearing blue or pink.

Top that off with Dave being in the middle of his quite graphic vasectomy whilst his wife is in labour (just desserts I reckon) and you get the gist.  Clearly Julie (Rebecca Gibney) has been through birth before because it was a perfect re enactment.  Right down to the irrational yelling at her husband and grunting noises. 

Packed to the Rafters  will be back in 2010 due largely to the fact, most Australians can identify with the Rafter Family.   They are fractured and far from perfect and I'm guessing that’s exactly why Australia loves them.

Oh, by the way, they had a girl – her name is  – Ruby. 

Feel like being made inappropriately uncomfortable and a little bit sick but not quite sure where to look? Just head on down to your local video store and hire Bruno.  Problem solved.

Bruno is a movie made by and starring Sasha Barron Cohen, who also plays the main character Bruno, a flamboyant gay fashionista who, after being dumped by his boyfriend, travels to America to become the world’s biggest star.

This is a mockumentary with most of the participants not aware that Bruno is simply an actor playing a part.  This leads to many an uncomfortable situation that makes me wonder more than once, how has this guy has not been literally strangled by an angry Christian or redneck American.

The show takes you on many a journey, from crashing the catwalk in Milan Fashion Week, to consulting Christian “gay converters” to turn himself straight to smooth the path as an actor into Hollywood.  Probably the most uncomfortable moment for me, was when he was on a Jerry Springer styled show with an African American child he had adopted.  He then went on to display pictures in the spa with the child and other men.  Yep, that is around the time I tuned out.

I get the fact it’s a movie made especially to push the boundaries and it is a total matter of personal choice.  But only if continuous inappropriate penis footage and innuendo that goes so far as to involve children, is your kind of thing, then, and only then, will this to be your liking.

The best word I can describe it?  Off.

Sure, it’s a kid’s movie.  Why then, when I took two girls who are the pure definition of “Tween”, did I cry, not once, but four times during this movie and they didn't even shed one tear? I can only presume PMS or some sort of weird of emotional state I was in that day, because I re-watched it last night, this time at home on DVD and I only cried once.  Just the once.

And hey, this is not the kind of movie that is adverstised as a tear-jerker.  Basically it doesn’t have to be advertised as anything.  It’s Hannah Montana – THE MOVIE.  But if you’re anything like me, you’re still blinking and like Pauline, asking “please explain”

If you’ve never heard of Miley Cyrus, the actress who plays Hannah Montana, then I reckon you definately would have heard of her father – Billy Ray.  Yep the very Billy-Ray Cyrus of the Achy Breaky Heart disaster, atrocious mullet fame.

I have to say, though, going in the first time, I didn’t even know Miley Cyrus and Hannah Montana were the same person.  Clearly I’m a genius.

So going in cold (some would say blind) to this movie then, let me say, it is enjoyable, a little bit naff, but worth the couple of hours of your life it will suck up.  And to be honest, not too many movies these days would warrant that comment.

Miley (Destiny Hope her birth name – whole other story) Cyrus basically plays herself in this movie about herself and alter ego, Hannah Montana, the rock star.

As Hannah, she is starting to become a Diva.  And Billy Ray is anything but impressed.  So he decides to bring her back down to earth and back to grass roots by forcing her back home – to the country. 

I think the thing that differentiates this movie between being just a Tween movie and a watchable family one, is the fact that there is a great plot, some truly good actors and well, a cuteness that isn’t ridiculous.

Of course, the on-screen romantic interest (not a lover, as Miley of course, is only 16) is Lucas Till.  And to be honest, the cougars of the world would be starting to circle, because he’s a lovely looking young man.

Set these with cameos from Tyra Banks and Taylor Swift, a romantic side story with Billy-Ray and some very well-timed music by Miley and I’m guessing if nothing else, you’ll learn a new appreciation for a good old hoe-down.

Hannah Montana: The Movie – now out on DVD.

Sitting down in the movie theatre to witness the 2 week only event, I heard two middle aged men, accompanying their wives, make an inappropriate Michael Jackson joke.  Inappropriate because directly in front of him was my 10 year old daughter and her friend.  All I thought to myself was “oh here we go”.

But I heard not one more word, because once this doco/movie started, the whole cinema, the troublemaking emos, 3 rows in front included, were mesmerised.

The biggest tragedy?  The fact that this concert was never seen by a real audience and appreciated for the event that it would have been.  Because it would have been freaking amazing.

I am by no means a massive Michael Jackson fan.  I, like most people, have liked his music at particular times in my life.  The black and white phase was my time to find and identify with him, not so much the 'Bad' era.  Yet, I, like most people, jumped on the MJ bandwagon when he died.  I started listening to his songs again and heard the genius.  My daughter also jumped on board.  Unfortunately, through his death, a new generation of fans has been born.

This movie is a rare glimpse behind the scenes of his rehearsals for his concert that was meant to be titled “This is It” which turned out to be a self-fulfilling prophecy.  As most, if not all people know by now, Michael Jackson died – some say murdered – on the 26th of June, 2009 aged 50.  Not once is his death touched upon in the movie nor is this a story about Michaels supposed drug addictions.

And honestly, if Michael Jackson was in anyway medicated during those rehearsals or in any way compromised, he should be nominated for a posthumous Oscar for best actor.  I am a cynic by my very nature, but believe, after watching this;  he was well prepared to perform those 50 concerts.  I mean, I spin in a circle and get dizzy.  He runs, dances, spins, flips and sings and barely breaks a sweat.  He kept up with the incredibly young, fit and toned back-up dancers on every move.  Every one. 

Comments have been made that his voice is weak during the movie.  Except for one of two songs where he admits he is preserving his voice, he sings fantastic.

Also amazing are the special effects that were created for most of the songs.  Makes Harry Potter look like dribble.  From recreating old movies which he stars in, to showing the devastation our rainforests face, just to mention a few, it will blow you away.

I do admit I spent a lot of time fascinated by his face.  I’m sure most people were.  He often wore sunglasses and different hair (wigs) and some might even suggest his nose looked ski-slopeish in some shots and elf-like in others, but no one has ever denied that the guy had some major body and self-image issues.

Strip all that away though, and you see how this guy interacts with his dancers, his band, his back up singers and production crew.  He can only be described as  professional and honestly, just incredibly kind.  It made me grieve for a man I do not know, because I genuinely think, he just wanted to entertain and be loved. 

My advice: Don’t miss it.  You won’t get a second chance. 

Also, don’t leave till the screen goes black, because even when you think this is it, it's not.

It’s a bit unfortunate but as yet, Dr 90210 is not accessible on free to air TV.  Well some might say fortunate.  I however do not fall into the latter category.

After watching the first 5 episodes of the first series straight, it’s fair to say I’m hooked.  And not because it’s a masterpiece of wit or comedy. No, not at all. The show sucks people in, because the main Doctor the reality series revolves around, Dr Robert Rey, is a tool.  Class A.  What screamed this out to me within 30 minutes was his Karate kick to the light switch to turn it off, when a the simple use of his finger would have been sufficient.   Oh and the fact he couldn’t attend his own daughter’s birthday, without nicking off and calling past patients for no particular reason, instead of chatting to the parents who were standing around looking pissed off along with his either very patient, or very vague, wife.

He is also prone to wearing sleevless tops to show off his MASSIVE GUNS.

The shows basic purpose is to give you an inside look into the world of plastic surgery. Both the issues that bring potential patients in and well, lots and lots of breasts. 

Also, even more interesting, is the insight into Dr Rey’s home life.  Married with a daughter and another baby on the way, he’s a hedonistic self-centred selfish a-hole – and his wife simply just cops it.  He to my mind, has ADHD.  He does not sit still.  He cannot simply sit and talk to his wife.  Oh no, he must do a few lat-pulls whilst waiting for her to hurry up and get on with her boring talk of their daughters achievements and plans for their imminent baby. 

Back at the surgery, his first patient is a man of about 35 who reckons he looks too tired.  He doesn’t.  He’s just vain.  If he'd just cut his 80’s Starsky and Hutch hairdo, he’d take years off.  Anyway, he goes ahead with the surgery, Dr Rey shits himself that he’s sent him blind and the patient is complaining that he might now be blind.   Well dude, stay away for the unnecessary surgery and you’ll have your eyesight.  Of course he doesn’t go blind nor does he cut his business at the front, party at the back mullet.  He does, however, look more tired than he ever did.

Interestingly Dr Rey has just been in Australia promoting some fat sucking-in underwear they are selling at target.  I heard some radio interviews with him (at this point, I hadn’t seen the show) and wondered why, when they spoke to him, they were being so harsh.  It all makes sense now.

Also of note is the fact that a friend of a friend works at one of Target stores his underwear was being promoted at, and being a very attractive girl, got noticed by Dr Rey whilst she was walking into the staff room.  He got his staff to summons her back and pulled out some cheesy line like, “Did it hurt?”  “When you fell from Heaven”.  Jesus man, if you’re going to pull out the bunkum lines, at least try one that’s not 45 years old.

So there you go, if you’re up for a new series to watch over the Summer Non-ratings period and you like your trash TV and breasts shown ad nauseam (Not always attractive one’s though) then this is one show you need to get your hands on.

Haven't been to the movies in a while?  Hate it when you go to the trouble of getting the kids babysat only to go and pay $20 for movie ticket and come out disappointed?

Then I recommend you go and see Couple's Retreat.  Although it has been out at the cinemas now for a couple of weeks (you probably remember seeing Vince Vaughn and Jason Bateman doing the talk show rounds promoting it) I was fortunate enough to attend a Girls Night out fundraiser movie night for Breast Cancer last week and was pleasantly surprised that finally a movie made me giggle, snort, laugh loud and often for the whole 2 hours I was there.

I did go along with quite a few girlfriends, but desperately want to take my husband back and watch it again with him.

The movie centres around 4 couples.  Three of them are married and one recently divorced.

Jason and Cynthia (Jason Bateman and Kristen Bell) appear to be the perfect couple.  I think we all know a couple like this.  You know the one, the type that have you over for dinner to present you with an “opportunity of a lifetime”  READ - AMWAY.  Or regale you with their 10 year plan in monthly instalments.  Well, as it happens, all is not so well in Jason and Cynthia land.  They are failing to fall pregnant and in typical clinically planned fashion, they have decided to divorce, whilst they are still young and able to "move on".  Their only hope apparently, is to attend a Couple’s retreat which is world renowned for getting dodgy couples back on track.

Only problem, they can only afford it if their three best couple friends can go too.  The math doesn't quite work out, but hey, take one look at the crystal blue water and the awesome resort rooms with floor windows for viewing fish, and who cares.

The other couples to go on the holiday include Dave and Ronnie (Vince Vaughn and Malin Akerman) who are in the married, young kids, working, renovating, never getting a minute to scratch their bum's routine.  Their youngest son Kevin played by Colin Baiocchi steals the entire show.  He's not in it a whole lot but see this movie, just for that little guy. 

Jon Favreau and Kristen Davis play Joey and Lucy, high school sweethearts who have a child conceived on Prom Night.  Quite simply, they hate each other’s guts but are continuing with their charade until their daughter goes to college.

The fourth couple consist of  big man Faizon Love who plays Shane, the recently divorced, broke guy who has hooked up with nubile gold digger, Lucy (played by Kali hawk) and who is desperately trying to avoid the fact he is still in love with his ex-wife.

Without blowing anymore of the storyline, the only character you need to watch out for is the Yoga teacher Salvadore.  Let’s just say more men would be signing up for Yoga classes if this was the way they were usually taught.   Freaking hilarious. 

Couples Retreat.

At all Birch Carroll & Coyle and Reading Cinemas.

I remember when I was young, hanging out for Sunday nights. That was the night A Country Practice came on in all its family friendly goodness. As a family, we sat and we waited and we laughed and we cried.

I remember bawling my eyes out for Chloe when Molly died.  Sure, kids of today would think that admission pretty lame.  And they would kind of be right.  But it was all we had.  We had 3 major channels and Channel 2.  And no one watched Channel 2 (Now ABC1) Well I guess someone did, just not anyone under 100.

Now though, we have free to air with a multitude of options, the best and most embraced of which is GO! on either 88 or 99.  Aimed at the “younger generation” it has a lot of content the other channels are either too shit scared to give a go or they simply can't see the potential for advertising revenue.  Such as The Hills or Weeds.  These shows have a cult following in the States, yet no mainstream channels were willing to give them a run at decent timeslots.  To my mind, often some of the best shows end up getting a Guernsey in the non-ratings period.  Luckily, or we’d be in Simpsons repeat wasteland.

Wait, we already are.  I digress.

Channel 2, or ABC1 and ABC2 are no longer daggy, in fact their cred is huge.  With gems such as Spicks and Specks, The librarians, The United States of Tara and Summer Heights High, just to name a few, the commerical stations would do well to pay attention.  Add to that, the veritable smorgasbord of Pay TV, Australia has, compared to 20 years ago, a lot to offer.

But has the way we as Australians watch TV, changed?

Recently I received from a very legal, *cough* reputable distributor Season 2 of Gossip Girl.  I sat and watched this Season from woe to go (25, 45 minute episodes) within 10 days.  Therefore I was sometimes watching 4 episodes a night.  Sure I felt like sharpening my own fingers rather than rise from bed the mornings after, but I couldn’t stop myself. 

My friend recently told me in her share house of four, they are all watching One Tree Hill and escaping to their individual rooms each night to indulge.  There is a veritable riot if there is there is an unexplained holdup and someone is desperately waiting on the next episode.

Nowadays there is no need to even wait for the series to be released on DVD.  Some US channels let you stream direct from their websites and of course there is illegal downloading that will be hard to eradicate.

But does this mean the chats about last night’s TV shocker around the water cooler at work, are going to become redundant?   There will always be the usual suspects of reality TV that will be discussed such as Idol and a good old Hey Hey reunion but I think the kids from the next generation, in 20 years from now, will reminisce in much the same way I do about Fatso and Molly, how in their day, they watched shows on a paltry 42 inch Plasma and they had to wait a week to see who got kicked off a lame singing competition. 

Actually we may not have to wait 20 years to see that.

We have the one ingredient in Apprentice Australia that will make it juicy – a villain.  And it’s not even mark Bouris, Wizard Home Loans founder who takes on the Donald Trump role (sans inexplicable comb-over) who’s playing the part.

No, our uber-bitch is called Carmen.  And she’s more than we could have hoped for.  Whilst the 44 year old self proclaimed  “entrepreneur” looks like she could physically take down a grown man and has perfected the powersuit, she can only be described as what most Australians would refer to as a “know it all bitch” 

This show is a franchise of the US Apprentice and as such, the program is styled pretty much exactly the same but with the Australian players.  They have transplanted Don the orange freaky haired Trump, with Mark Bouris, and Brad and Diane as his sidekicks.  Note to Channel 9, someone needs to tell Dianne that when your eyeballs are the only thing moving on your face, it’s time to lay off the Botox. 

The premise is the same though.  Aspiring Australians battle it out in a series of money making and leadership tasks to face off to take the mantle of Apprentice Australia and work under Mark Bouris and a salary of $200,000. We’re certainly not talking about the same sort of apprentice I started on.  I believe I was on about $185,000 a year less than this lucky punter.  Then again, my apprenticeship didn’t start off with me living on Sydney Harbour and drinking Chandon whilst sizing up my competition.

We begin the competition with 12 players. 

The men and women are immediately split into two groups which they must anoint themselves a team name.  The boys – Pinnacle, The Girls – Aventis.  So far, so good, names and leaders chosen. 

In team Pinnacle, we have

Gavin:  Lawyer, super hot, he should just give in and start modelling for J Crew.  From looking at his guns it’s a good chance Gav works out.  A lot

Blake:  Apparently he’s worked at Centrelink for the last 6 years.  As I don’t remember laying eyes on him, I have to take channel 9’s word for this

Lynton: A bit like Blake, a non-entity first episode.  After being made redundant, he started up a social networking site to link people who want to buy houses together.

John: Lost his job at Ford, father of four. He, Blake and Lynton were obviously there first episode, but they failed to make a huge impression

Andrew “Morello”:  He’s only 23 but he’s the leader of the men.  Self appointed really.  He’s great at leading and stuff, oh until he has to advise a client they wouldn’t be able to complete a job, and then he fobs off the hard stuff to someone else. 

Sam: 19 year old, who I swear to god, looks 12.  Second year law student, I hope he finds his voice.  If not, He’ll be fired before he even gets his first job out of Uni.

Women: Eventus

Sabrina: Sabrina is a member of Mensa and Miss Australia, 2006.  Oh and did I mention she was Miss Australia 2006.  Because she does.  No less than 10 times to as many people who will listen.  I swear if the woollies checkout chick asks her how her day’s been, she would reply with “I’m Sabrina, I was Miss Australia 2006”  Righteo freakshow.

Amy:  Youngen and not a lot went down with her in the first episode. 

Jane: Oldest of the group. First one to leave.  No love lost between her and Carmen and even though most wanted Carmen gone, Mark Bouris ain’t stupid and getting rid of the most entertaining player was not going to happen in the first week, hence the sacrifice of Jane.

Mary-Anne: Smart cookie that Mary-Anne but she didn’t speak up.  She just looked pained.  A lot.  She’s has to get her freak on and teach Carmen a thing or two.

Heather: I don’t believe she exists, I remember nothing about watching her such was her non-presence.

Carmen:  Leaving the best til last.  Currently bankrupt and having grown up poor, Carmen describes herself as competitive and relentless.  Tick and tick.  I would only need one word to describe her however if required: Mole.

The first task was the Garden Challenge, which basically came down to quoting jobs, winning these and then completing said jobs in the time frame allotted.

The boys overcommitted but they were better at quoting and the physical stuff.

The girls (read Carmen) underquoted and were just too slow and in over their heads.  Hence, the boys won and put the women in the wizards firing line. 

Carmen came out as the clear favourite amongst her team to get the chop, which, after viewing her display of tears, apparently surprised her.  What, abusing teammates and hijacking every decision made didn’t make you popular Carmen?  No way. 

But the choice isn’t made by the team, it’s made by Mark Bouris and he decided it was time to go: Jane. 

Whilst it was sad to see Jane become the sacrificial lamb, it was good to know that there will be more of the crazy and vindictive Carmen in the episodes to come.  Stay tuned.

The Apprentice: Channel 9, 9:30pm, Mondays.

Imagine you saw your future 1 year from now. What do you think you would see? Would it please you? Would it scare the living shit out of you? Would you see anything at all i.e. would you be alive this time next year?

This is the premise of Flash Forward which aired the first episode, aptly named “No More good Days” on Channel 7 at 8:30 Monday night.

Everyone in the world blacks out for 2 minutes and 17 seconds. By blackout I mean they collapse wherever they stood or sat. This includes people flying aeroplanes, driving buses, doctors operating on patients and people just standing in their kitchens. Only they don’t blackout. Instead they get a glimpse of the future at a particular date – April 29, 2010.

So far there appears to be eight main characters. Not too many to handle but enough to keep the show moving.

Joseph Fiennes (yep brother of mile high club brother Ralph) plays Mark Benford a FBI agent with a history of alcoholism and a marriage in trouble. His wife, a beautiful surgeon named Olivia Benford is played by Sonya Walger and they have a young daughter. At this stage, all the other characters have a connection to the Benford family.

John Cho, (most notably known for his role in Harold and Kumar go to White Castle) plays Demitri Noh – Mark’s FBI partner. They are on a stakeout together when the “event” occurs tracking potential terrorists.

It builds with all the stories coming together. Olivia is concerned a fellow doctor Bryce (played by Zachery Knighton) is missing in Action. That’s because today turns out to be the day, for reasons yet not made clear, he’s going to put a gun down his throat and commit suicide on a very family friendly pier.

The babysitter for Mark and Olivia’s daughter is, whilst supposed to be looking after their 5 year old daughter, screwing her boyfriend in the lounge room.

Olivia is about to operate on a patient.

Mark and Demitri get into a high speed chase.

Then bam. 2 minutes 17 seconds. Wake up, Carnage – Worldwide.

Bryce doesn’t get the chance to kill himself, the babysitter doesn’t get to fourth base, Olivia’s patient dies and Mark and Demitris car chase ends up in the majority of their suspects dead.

With no telephone connections immediately, Mark decides to run around and half heartedly check pulses before deciding to run home.

There he comes across a kangaroo in the main street. WAIT; is this the new obscure Baz Luhrmann advertisement to promote Australia? No? Ok, then I’m guessing the kangaroo will make sense down the track.

What happens from here is basically a realisation of what has occurred. Everyone starts to piece together they all “blacked out” at the same time. They all share their visions. Except for Demitri who didn’t have any visions, which makes him believe he must die between then and now.

Olivia reveals she saw the dissolution of her marriage to Mark and her vision of another man (who happens to be the father of a boy she saved after the blackouts).

Mark though has the most to add. He’s almost the chosen one. It appears he heads down the slippery slope of drinking again and is piecing together the puzzle of “Mosaic” the case name given to the investigation of the flash forward event.

Along with a lot of other “clues”, he notably notices a friendship bracelet on his hand in his flash forward. So when his daughter comes looking for him and presents him with a bracelet she’s made for him, the flashforward gets very real. Which begs the question, can the future be stopped? What if, like for Marks AA sponsor, you see your wife who has been missing for 10 years, and you don’t want it to? Can the natural order of things be tampered with?

My only personal bugbear was that neither Mark nor Olivia rushed home to see their daughter after the flashforward event. I would have made that my mission in life to have her next to me. The babysitter even puts her to bed that night, not the dad. That didn’t make sense to me.

The final scene sucks you in when all the CCTV footage of different events around the world is being viewed by the Mosaic FBI team. It shows airports, shopping centres and stadiums with people collapsing all at the exact same time. Except for one guy at a ball game. He walks away. Ooooooo

Lots of reference to Lost are being bandied around and although I was a total sucker for that show in its first couple of seasons, when even the writers couldn’t figure out what the hell was happening, it just got confusing and annoying, so I’m really hoping this continues to enthral. I have been told it will give you answers by end of season one. Well Flash Forward, your viewing public is watching and their a fickle one.

I caught up with my good friends Brooke and Taylor this afternoon. Ridge too made an appearance, though not for long because Brooke told him to leave. Well actually she told him to “get the hell away from me” Kinda awkward. Good thing, his mum Stephanie was there to passive aggressively calm everyone down.

It’s not often I get to see them all these days, with working and all, but it doesn’t seem to matter because the same scenario or a very close variation always plays out.

If you haven’t yet cottoned on, I am of course not talking about my real friends here. The friends I have, possess faces that emote expression and don’t live in Santa Barbara running, and I use this term loosely, Fashion Houses. That’s right; I’m talking about the daytime soap that is: Bold and the Beautiful.

If you have never seen Bold and the Beautiful, you are doing yourself a total injustice.
Originally it started off all about the fashion. Sally Spectra and Forrester Creations in a furious fashion war. These days it’s more about the intricate family tree and the writers desperately trying not to inadvertently have brothers and sisters sleeping each other.

In the old days though, it was about Sally Spectra and Stephanie Forrester.

Sally Spectra was a sight to behold. She of the red bouffant hair, the manlike voice and features had the cunning of sewer rat. Darlene Connolly gloriously played her until she passed away. Stephanie is the Forrester matriarch. Having married and divorced Eric numerous times, she still would kick any of those young little hussy’s butts any day of the week. And she often does.
Sally and Stephanie were arch enemies. And if Sally were alive today, they would still be having stare off’s across a banquet hall corridor.

The best thing about B & the B is that you essentially need to know so little. It’s not like Home and Away, where there’s a new cast member every week to replace the one that got blown up in the previous weeks catastrophic event.

You just need to sit back and expect to see the following:

Ridge: Ron Moss plays the delightful manwhore Ridge,who at any one time will be screwing either Taylor or Brooke and staring at the back of one of their heads from the far side of the room. He achieves all of this whilst deftly arching his eyebrow and wearing oddly placed scarves.

Thorn: Ridge’s brother. I know right? Ridge, Thorn, what sort of weird arse drugs were Stefanie and Eric Forrester taking when they named these boys? “Hey I know my darling, let’s lead these guys into lives of eternal ridicule. We shall call them Ridge and Thorn”. Thorn is not nearly as much good value as Ridge. He’s bordering on normal. Sure he and Ridge take turns in sharing and marrying Brooke, but he doesn’t have the stare perfected nor does he seem to ever be any woman’s first choice.

Brooke: Resident bike. Brooke is now the longest running member of Bold and Beautiful. She’s been around. To her credit, she hasn’t gone nuts on the Botox. She has though, had more children to more men that I can even begin to gather information about, even having children with her ex-husbands son effectively making them, ok wait, this is doing my head in, I can’t even work out what sort of inter-breeding fucked up relatives that makes them. Last I saw Brooke, she was telling Ridge to “let her go” and go back to Taylor. Then she went out the door and sobbed, really loudly. I was waiting for them to yell out “We can hear you Brooke; for Christs sakes, take it out to the car”.

Taylor: Hunter Tylo who plays Taylor is far more interesting than her character. In the show she’s had a history of being an alcoholic and murderer, but oddly enough no mention is ever made of her gigantic lips. Clearly addicted to Botox in real life, she has also had her fair share of plastic surgery and that’s what makes her so fascinating. I just can’t help but ask every single time I watch “What in the fuck is going on with her face?”

I cannot explain how or why this essentially poorly made daytime soap continues to keep people watching. It just does. It’s ridiculous, absurd and just what viewers obviously need to zone out to at 4:30 every afternoon. Channel 10 tried a 6pm timeslot. Programming fail. What they didn't realise, was that nothing else is on at 4:30 and therefore Bold and the Beautiful is still better than nothing.
Don’t they know? Don’t try to fix what’s not broken. Unless it’s Taylor’s lips and then for the love of god, pull the pin on those suckers.

I love Gossip Girl. There I said it.

It is awesome and I think I may be a little obsessed. But I love it when a show sucks me in to the obsession stage.

Rush’s first season (Channel 10) had the same appeal for me (the second series - not so much) and I found myself scouring discussion boards for talk about the characters and what will happen next. I felt a little ashamed of myself for doing this as I have often stumbled across similar chat boards discussing Home and Away and people declaring their undying love for Irene. OK, well maybe not Irene, but at least Martha, pre bikie moll hookup, and I have felt kind of sorry for these people. It’s just a TV show right? Right?

But I digress.

Gossip Girl has started on Channel Go! Another new found love of mine. A word to the wise at Channel 9/Go! though, lay off the Seinfeld. You are going to turn it into Go!’s version of The Simpsons.

Granted it can be funny, but in the same vein as the Two and Half men repeats, you risk the wrath of the general public when you become lazy with your programming.

Right, where was I? Oh yeah. Gossip Girl. I had seen all of these actors often in New Weekly (Not that I subscribe to such rubbish – much) but I've never really known who they were. Yes I do live in 1984. But I know now. And how.

The three red flags that told me I was officially hooked on GG,

1. I went and got the first series on DVD after watching the first episode.

2. I still sit through pretty much episode when I see it played on Go! Even though I’ve already seen it.

3. I sat through an episode that wasn’t even an episode. It was just a “look how we found the cast” and “let’s hear what all the cast have to say about making the series” type of episode. And I sat through the entire thing and LOVED it. How else would I have learned that Kristen Bell voices Gossip Girl. I wouldn’t have. See I’m well aware that this shit is irrelevant in day to day life, but sometimes day to day life sucks balls.

For the uninitiated, Gossip Girl revolves around basically a bunch of spoilt, old money teenagers and the blog that reports the scandals, secrets and happenings in the lives of the “Beautiful people"

Originally a book series by Cecily von Ziegesar, the show takes us into the Upper East Side of Manhattan and the elite families from old money. It allows us to see it from the not so wealthy Humphrey family who seem to have a long history with getting close to the fortunate side of town. I believe the TV series strays quite a lot from the books.

Series one Characters to note:

SERENA VAN DER WOODSEN – (played by Blake Lively) Hot, tall blond. Previously known as the party girl – read slut – who has been mysteriously absent but comes back into the fold with serious secrets to reveal.

BLAIR WALDORF – (played by Leighton Meester) is the Resident Bitch. But you come to like her and oddly feel a little sorry for her. Her mother is a world class designer (a stretch) and her dad has run off to France to live with another man. She begins the series as a virgin. She leaves the series anything but. Her boyfriend Nate Archibald is smoking but a bit of a non-entity.

CHUCK BASS – (Played by Ed Westwick) freaks me out. Bordering on creepy potential rapist, his father owns a hotel chain (Paris Hilton much?) and he is pretty much left to his own devices. And that is where the danger lies. He blackmails, he schemes and he roots around. A lot.

DAN HUMPHREY – (Played by Penn Badgley) The Best and most likeable character. His dad is a good looking musician (who looks suspiciously young to have two teenage children) and has an errant mother who has left her family to “go find herself” pay for him to go to the most expensive school in New York . Unrealistic? Yes. Do I care? No.

JENNY HUMPHREY – (Played by Taylor Momsen) Is Dan’s younger sister who is desperate to get into the “it group” and does virtually anything to get there. She’s a good girl who I fear may turn quite bad.

NATE ARCHIBALD – (Played by Chase Crawford) Poor Nate. He’s always just that one step behind. He’s definitely hot, but just can’t keep up. He and Blair are the star couple. Both from the best families and equally clueless when it comes to each other’s feelings.

There are other recurring characters and for me essentially, more story lines involving the “older” mums and dads that make it all the more juicer.

One name to remember for the newbies: Georgina Sparks.

If you were a fan of Melrose Place, 90210 when it first started (Please take Tori Spelling out of the equation) or The OC, you’ll love this. It works on Go! On the uncool grandpa that is Channel 9, I have a feeling it would have tanked

Gossip Girl: Go! 8:30pm Thursday nights