It’s fair to say I do a fair bit of driving on the good old Gold Coast. Gone are the days of coasting down Smith Street alone, unflanked by a wanker in WRX but alas, time moves on and we are now a city approaching 600,000.

Often, we hear that Queenslanders, Gold Coasters in particular are the worst drivers.

Well if the people on our roads who don’t indicate, cut people off and don’t know how to use a roundabout are from Queensland then yes, that is true. But they aren’t. In fact the majority of our population weren’t born here. They were more than likely conceived here though (being a great place to get loose and all).

So driving to 2 schools, a kindy and workplace each day I often encounter the following:

· People who straddle two lanes going through a roundabout. For gods sakes. Choose your lane and stick to it. I am in a little Honda Jazz with a family of 5. We are just waiting to be crushed under your Prado dipshit. Granted, to select a Honda Jazz with 5 people plus at the time Golden retriever in the family, not my mensa moment. That however, does not give vague 4WD drivers a right to sidewipe me off the road. And yes, our other car is a 4WD, so this is not a 4WD hatefest.

· The vague couple who go slow, then speed up, then look around, then have a chat, all whilst driving their Volvo in front of me on my way to school. 1. You have no particular reason to be out in peak hour. 2. Pay attention. Because when you do 40 up to lights then gun it and leave me behind at the red light, it does not make for a good start to the day.

· People who don’t indicate. See as I haven’t activated my crystal fucking ball yet, I don’t know which way you intend to turn. Why do people not indicate? Are they too lazy? It doesn’t get much easier people. It’s a flick of the wrist. Really. Is it because they are above indicating? Do you not have the brain capacity? I simply do not understand this lack of courtesy and this in turn makes me want to ram people. Clearly in my Jazz I would come off second best, but it would almost be worth it.

· It’s a Bus Lane. Not a Wanker Lane. Seriously, It says BL. It’s for Bus’s (and taxi’s) not for tools who are in a hurry. Newsflash dickhead, we’re all in a hurry. We’ve all got to wait our turn. I make it my mission in life to straddle those bus lanes with my car when I see them coming in my rear-view mirror. Sure, it often leads to a douches in a 911’s giving me the finger, but that’s the price you pay.

· Cars so low they can’t get over a speedbump. We’ve all seen them. They lower the bejesus out of their commodore ute and then have to take the speedbumps at an angle. Well I’ll let you in on a secret. You look like a fuckstik. Harsh I know, but if you are scared of your car going into a pothole because it will rip off the front bumper, it is only a matter of time before the QLD Police defect your car, genius.

· Last but not least, people who don’t thank you for letting them in. I make a conscious effort to let people in. Whether it be letting them in after coming from the Servo or out of the shopping centre driveway. When people don’t acknowledge my courtesy I usually think a) they are an ungracious bastard and b) makes me want to jump out and scream in their windows telling them as much.

And in all honesty, I am generally a calm, easygoing person. Inside my car bubble though I turn
into Judge Judy on heat.

So if nothing else, I hope this makes people stop and think, geez, maybe she’s talking about me. But then again, that would mean these people can read and articulate.