So I’m sitting here typing this with my elbows out wide like some sort of posture Nazi because today, I had a spray tan. And apparently I can’t touch ANYTHING til tomorrow morning. After I have a shower.

At present I look like a black minstrel. I am practically black, doing a reverse Michael Jackson and my teeth glow in the dark , and that’s with the lights on.

And my flesh kinda smells like it’s burning.

Why you may ask would I put myself through this? Why indeed. Mainly because I am pale and freckly and I have totally screwed my skin through many years of sun baking on the beach at Surfers Paradise earnestly trying to gain the attention of the hot skegs. (Who by the way, amazingly seemed immune to my powerful beauty)

My motivation for entering that beauty parlour today was a Melbourne Cup day lunch I am attending. One with 35 twenty-two year olds. Thirty-five, spectacular twenty two year olds. So I just don’t want to look like the Nanna who lives in her lounge room. Just for one day. Vain? Yeah probably, but hey, I'm not in Jocelyn Wildenstein territory just yet.

The fun part was driving home and trying not to touch anything. Seat belt included. I was Miss Daisy driving myself, face to the windscreen, trying not to touch my seat, trying not to get a seat belt mark. Then I get home and for the first time in months, the 7 year old wants to “massage my back” and kept repeatedly slapping my leg in excitement whilst telling me a wild tale about a tilt train who married a corner store.

And now, I’ve left brown marks on the toilet seat and the white dinner table seat and undoubtedly, my white bed sheets tonight. Basically I’ve turned into my 2 year old.

Benefits? I was banned from getting wet til tomorrow. So I wasn’t allowed to do the dishes. Shame.

For the record I’m tipping Shocking. It’s my prediction for how I will feel on Wednesday morning.