With each of my pregnancies I was hideously tired and continually nauseous and pretty much doling out mini spews, up until the 16th week.

Then miraculously, it would just disappear and make way for my body to just go and get fire hazard fat.

And it was awful. The nauseous bit I mean. I could be anywhere, anytime and it would come upon me. And what’s with the “morning” sickness bullshit. It should just be renamed - all day, all night, just all the freaking time sick.

Once, when driving our very new car, I had to pull over mid drive and hurl into an abandoned lot. Abandoned but still very visible from the road. If only I’d had a few of these nifty and high class numbers: A Morning Chicness Bag. No I did not spell that wrong.

I could have co-ordinated my Labour of Love spew bag with those days I felt predominately romantic. Because we all know how we just can’t get enough of our partners during that morning sickness phase.

Or the bambooboo bag when I meditating with my guru and discovering the meaning of life. Hey, we all still need a micro spew even when being enlightened. Lucky for us, we have a model demonstrating the correct way to spew into these bags.

Let’s face it, all of these bags would have been appropriate for so many situations. How I managed to get through three pregnancies without a Morning Chicness bag saddens me. I feel jipped. Not only that, I need to reevaluate. Clearly I am not the klarsy mother I thought I was.