So recently, Robin Williams, via David Letterman, told a great chunk of Americans that Australians are, and I quote “English Rednecks”. Really?

Who the hell did Robin hang out with when he visited our great land?

Look, if he bunked down with the guy I saw on Thursday night in Big W, scamming 23 items through the 3 items or less checkout, telling his girlfriend “No more fucking chocolate eggs” whilst shoving a mars bar into their screaming 2 year old, while wearing a shirt with the classy logo “All grown up but still fascinated by boobies”, then yeah, fine. But that guy’s in the minority, right? Right?

The Collins dictionary didn’t have a meaning for Redneck, so I moved onto an obviously more reputable source: Wikipedia. They tell us to call someone a Redneck is “referring to the poor rural white Southerner, probably derived from individuals having a red neck caused by working outdoors in hot sun”. There has to be more to it than that. I mean, my husband isn’t all that wealthy (having a spendaholic wife and a penchant for Bunnings) and he often has a red neck, working as a plumber. I don't generally think of him or his workmates as an uneducated racists with rotten teeth. Not satisfied, I tried another website, titled "YOU KNOW YOU’RE A REDNECK IF"

“Your state's got a new law that says when a couple get divorced, they are still legally brother and sister”

“The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your wife”

“you own a homemade fur coat”

To name a few.

So Robin Williams was basically calling us an unhygienic population that marries our direct family and wears roadkill around our shoulders. Uncool Robin Williams. Uncool. For one, I've never worn fur.

Then the Kevinator, aka Kevin Rudd, got on the radio and started defending our honour. Saying Robin better look at Alabama before he starts trashing our country. Kevin, take the high road man, defend by all means, but low blows just make us look mean. I mean shit, we know you’re partial to your hairdryer and a 5 star meal when flying but that doesn’t mean we all refer to you as that pretentious, controlling wanker does it? (Insert answer here)

I guess some of our previous Tourism Campaigns haven’t really helped our image. For instance, “Where the bloody hell are you?” Bogan as. Seriously, Butterbingle got lucky with that ad. By rights, they should have used a toothless guy in a flannie, chucking a massive doughnut, screaming into his mobile phone “Where the fuck arrrrre ya????

Baz Lurhmann had a crack next. A mini version of Australia, the movie. It tanked. Partly because it was just too arty farty but mainly because no one knew what in the fuck we were on about. All it did, with a kid, breaking into an apartment, spreading red dirt about willy nilly and creeping about bedrooms, was scare the living shit out of it's target market.

And what about our most successful campaign ever? Paul Hogans “Chuck another shrimp on the Barbie. It's starting to make sense now. A guy in a ripped, sleeveless checked shirt, shorty short shorts, thongs , downing a tinnie was asking the tourists to come over, get pissed and eat some cooked prawns. He was representing the typical Australian and yet he was really just one step away from Leo Wanker. But they ate that shit up.

Now, the only thing we could do to make Australia appear even more uncultured, would be to advertise a gigantic swingers party with Warrick Capper and Pauline Hanson as the headliners.

Surely there’s a middle ground?

So hard is it to come up with a catchy and decent slogan or brand for Australia, the government has simply thrown their hands in the air and told it’s population “You fucking do it”. They want us to come up with something about Australia that matches “There’s nothing like Australia”. I want you to go here: http://www.nothinglikeaustralia.net/ to see what some very clever people have come up with.

Quite catchy some of them hey? Irresponsible and uncouth, but spot on the money, some of them.

Last I heard, Robin Williams had apologised and offered to take the KRudd to a strip club to make up for it. Oh, and there’s a whole state of pissed off Alabamians braying for some good ole Australian Blood. Awesome.

Here is my humble suggestion Australian Tourism. All anyone from overseas needs to know really:

There’s nothing like voting in a Prime Minister who drinks so much piss he forgets he was at a strip club. There’s nothing like Australia.