It is my melancholy duty to announce that I will not be able to take my place in the heavily defeated indoor cricket team known to its loyal supporter as Jesus Brian.
The loyal supporter I refer to is my wife Lisa who still can’t believe I suddenly sprang off the lounge and did any kind of exercise more than once in a row.
Lisa could rightfully be expected to think that a more likely happening would be a crane arriving to lift me through the roof so I can go to work.
I’m loving playing cricket again even though it’s fair to say we have been beaten so badly, every game, it’s like we are the love-children of Rhonda Rousey and Leonardo de Caprio’s character in the Revenant.
I swear when I walk on court I can smell the bad breath of the bear.
Yes we get flogged. But we pick ourselves up and that’s about it. We just look around to see who saw us get belted like a dusty rug.
For example; I was wicket-keeping last week and the batsman snicked the ball which I dropped, it hit me on the toe then hit the stumps and he was given not out caught and not out stumped.
This is how bad we are, I failed twice on one delivery to get a guy out. Lordy, that is genuine crapness. That’s Eddie the eagle level of rubbish. He was the worst ski-jumper in Olympic history.
After only 2 matches our season already hangs in the balance. Figuratively, a sick kid could stand on a chair and push us over. And literally, a sick kid could stand on a chair and push us over.
So why this sudden burst of exercise?
I went to see my doctor a couple of weeks ago and he confirmed for me that I had lost 18 kilograms since last November.
My theory is that somewhere around the point where I lost my 15th kilo the vacuum lock between my buttocks and my couch was disrupted and up I jumped.
The gravitational attraction of the lounge overcome I stood, like the first ape to ever lurch up onto its hind legs and I looked around and thought, what could I do for a bit of fun?
A mate suggested we start an indoor cricket team that he wanted to call The Great Batsby. God I’m so happy we didn’t call ourselves that, we couldn’t back that up. We bat like we are defending ourselves from imaginary brown bears.
I’m told a rep player went onto Hot Tomato’s Facebook page and was looking for a game. I say to you sir, please consider it very carefully. Our crapness could rub off. We are having a meeting to consider if good players should be allowed to join our ranks but in truth we are so desperate for a win we are considering paying his $12 match fee which would cost us another $1.50 each per week.
So why have I pulled out of this weeks match risking not being part of our first ever victory?
I’m playing in the Gold Coast Airport golf day at Sanctuary Cove on Thursday and I don’t think my heritage listed knee will get through 18 holes of golf then indoor cricket.
If I did both I’d be so tired I may fail to wake up in time to give away $20,000 at Jupiters Casino on Friday. Good luck to everybody with a chance to win it.
Either way, what a week! I can’t wait. I’m pretty happy with my peculiar brand of 1st world problems.
Flan is half of the Flan & Emily Jade Breakfast Show which can be heard week days from 5am-9am on 1029 Hot Tomato.