There are many great rivalries in public life.
For me they started with Malcolm Fraser and Gough Whitlam two men who had a bitter series of exchanges as successive Prime Ministers and ended up the best of mates.
Bjorn Borg and John McEnroe in tennis was easy to buy into as a rivalry. It was easy to choose a side because Borg was the ice cool Swede (the nation not the vegetable) whose resting heart rate was 45 beats per minute.
McEnroe was the man who at any tick of the clock could chuck an atomic wobbly, potty mouth, tantrum then immediately return to an incredibly high standard of tennis.
Australia and England in cricket, New Zealand versus South Africa in Rugby Union have both proven to be nation building rivalries but do any of these truly challenge the modern rival?
These days we see repetitive and entertaining clashes that only involve one person; like Shane Warne versus his own big mouth.
Then there’s Sydney City Rooster’s captain, Mitchell Pearce versus his own nature.
If you believe what you see in “that video” (and I don’t) then here’s a guy who thinks of the animal welfare league more as the playboy mansion.
Ex-Cronulla player Todd Carney has an all too well documented rivalry with his own burning thirst (google it and giggle) and he’s currently suing his old club for a huge sum of money. Watch this space.
There’s been many documented cases of young sports people battling their addiction to social media which has become easily the world’s easiest way to jam your foot in your own mouth in 164 characters or less.
But now there is a new, disturbing kind of rivalry;
An institution versus an inanimate object. For instance; will any rivalry ever rival the rivalry of Malcolm Turnbull’s cabinet and my kitchen cabinet?
An institution of government versus a kitchen cabinet.
Most rivalries have their genesis by being in direct confict but not Turnbull’s think tank versus my pantry door.
To take you back to the very beginning, Malcolm Turnbull happened to be selecting his first cabinet of ministers on the same weekend that my kitchen cabinets began to give up the ghost and fall off one by one.
Turnbull, a rookie Prime Minister, versus Flan, an incompetent handyman. Who would be the victor? Who could stand the longest?
Turnbull began to announce his cabinet as I replaced the long suffering hinges on mine. So, the challenge was set. Right here on mygc.com.au
I promised (a core promise) that I’d follow the story and see whose cabinet would prevail. Well, I am the most surprised of all to announce that my cabinet has stayed the course.
Time can be the cruellest mistress of all and by way of example I offer the result of the game of indoor cricket match that I took part in last night.
A group of battle hardened 50 somethings made a simultaneous, disastrous comeback to sport, the traditional domain of the young man, and we had our sorry, saggy arses handed to us by a team known as the Food Fighters. The final score was minus 21 versus 189.
I point at this Alamo like debacle in order to illustrate just how unkind time can be.
Now time has brutalised Malcolm Turnbull’s cabinet yet mine has stayed the course. One of Malcolm’s ministers resigned after a booze fuelled nightclub incident in Hong Kong (At the time of writing I honestly don’t know if Mitchell Pearce was present at the time, I’d suggest not).
Another minister is in deep, hot water over working in China on a tourist visa. A Chinese government website mixed his name up and in the same article referred to the poor bloke as both Stuart Robert and Robert Stuart.
I personally don’t mind a bloke who does a bit of work on his country’s behalf on his holiday but the Labor Party see it as un-ministerial. Crikey, what a case of you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t.
Then we heard the deputy prime minister was over it and so on and so forth.
In summary, the head to head battle of Malcolm Turnbull’s cabinet and my double door, corner pantry cabinet, has been won.
As Turnbull begins to pull new names out of the hat my kitchen cabinet, at very long odds, still hangs.
I’m sorry to have to say this, Prime Minister, but my kitchen rules.
Sean Flanagan, Flanagan Sean.
Flan is half of the Flan & Emily Jade Breakfast Show which can be heard week days from 5am-9am on 1029 Hot Tomato.