I was trying to break the metal apart!

Forget nuclear war and global warming, it’s time to get serious and tackle what could be the defining question of our generation.

Why (or lord why!) are we still having to sit and listen to stewardesses – or anyone for that matter – instruct us as to the inner workings of the seatbelt?

Don’t get me wrong here; I’m sure there are plenty of people (particularly on the northern rivers!) who remember the halcyon time of the early 1950’s when retractable seatbelts were all the rage.


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But seriously though, can’t we as a society just maybe take it as read that we all know how to do this?

Sitting on a plane at Coolangatta about to depart for Adelaide last Friday, the revolution almost began.

I wanted desperately to go all Colin Kaepernick and drop to one knee, or turn around – ANYTHING to protest the absurdity of what was going on.

I didn’t though, the last eye roll from my wife combined with the fact I was raised to listen to someone and be attentive when they are talking convinced me that it was not the right time.

That’s how they get us you know, they use our humanity against us!

I wanted to ask the stewardess about how to operate the light or seat-back (but no tutorial for them were forthcoming so I didn’t know where the ‘help; me’ button was.

We landed and astonishingly and step-by-step (quite literally) I figured out how to leave the plane despite the fact it too was omitted from the painfully choreographed in-flight tutorial.

Sure I’d used my legs before but I felt it was remiss of the airline not to give me a quick refresher especially given it seemed pertinent to several safety procedures they talked about.

Just who are these people who have been able to go online to book a flight but have seemingly missed out on the 50 years before the internet and the ‘seatbelt era’??

Think of how absurd it is that airlines feel it necessary that we are re-taught how to master the clasp-buckle dichotomy but when it comes to dangerous goods we are all completely trustworthy, switched-on citizens.

Why can’t the seatbelt tutorial have its own tick box section during the online check-in procedure?

Despite my frustrations, the current pre-flight seminar system does remain highly amusing to me.

As a teenager I loved Seinfeld and cherished his ‘I’m Telling You For The Last Time’ CD.

If you enjoy air travel and have never heard Track 3 of the above album, do yourself a favour;

‘Air Travel’ will help you through the next seatbelt tutorial so much it will be all you can do to not burst out laughing as the stewardess ‘shows you how to put on your seatbelt in case you haven’t been in a car since 1965’.

“Ooooh you lift UP on the Buckle oooooooooooh.

“I was trying to break the metal apart. I thought that’s how it worked.

“I was going to try and tear the fabric part of the belt, I thought if I could just get it started.”

Next year will mark the 20th anniversary of that Seinfeld comedy special, in which he (somewhat ironically) vowed to never again use old material in his comedy.

Hopefully the airlines can take a page from the Seinfeld book and update their material at least once every few generations!

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