Frozen is a cult.
I’m convinced it was created by a group of highly intelligent, sentient beings in a laboratory somewhere for the purpose of seeding subliminal messages that convince parents to repeatedly fork over their hard-earned dollars for over-priced “stuff”.
In fact, I’m certain that “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” actually translates to “Give Us All Of Your Money You Gullible Fools” in Swahili.
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Case in point: the movie came out over two years ago and it’s still ABSOLUTELY EVERYWHERE.
You can’t walk through the aisles of Target, K-Mart, Big W or Caltex without being smacked in the face with the endless array of Frozen merch. I’m also certain that it emits a sound only heard by young girls, which lures them in and subliminally helps them seek out even the tiniest Frozen logo in an entire store.
“Can I have a Queen Elsa dress?” Miss Four asks wishfully. “Can I have her coronation dress too? I’d also like a Princess Anna dress, a Princess Anna doll, a Queen Elsa doll, an Olaf Mentos dispenser, a Sven Playdoh set, and a pair of hand-carved Indonesian fish-hooks in the shape of Kristof…”
There seems to be nothing that they haven’t slapped a Frozen sticker on. It’s not like the stuff is ever on sale, either. We’ll pay $10 for a plastic ball that should be priced at $2, because it’s got Elsa’s mug on it, which will put a massive smile on our own kid’s mug.
Stores know that Mums and Dads will trample over the lifeless bodies of other Mums and Dads to snaffle the latest round of Frerch (Frozen merch), so the mega-conglomerates have happily put a massive price tag on said items, because we’re a captive market held to ransom by The Walt Disney Company.
Sure, they tried to side track the kids by releasing a Cinderella here, a Big Hero 6 there. They even tried to outdo it with the brilliant Inside Out. But something about Frozen just sticks like a carrot to Olaf’s face.
So, it’s with a heavy heart that I make a plea to the Disney corporation, with a sequel currently in the works: would it be at all possible that the two leading ladies be cryogenically frozen and be woken up about a generation or two down the track, because I honestly don’t know if I can survive a third movie in the franchise!
You’d be saving me and my parental kind the world over a tonne of cash, while doing us a sanity solid to boot.